Loss

It's been a tough few weeks & I've been reminded again about my "old friend grief" (A good friend told me this week that's how she refers to grief, I like the term). Everyone experiences it, lives with it. I'm sitting with it now & it has got me to thinking of T5 again.

A week ago today my grandfather passed away. He lived a good, long life. He was the only grandfather I have ever known. He is also my dad's father. We weren't incredibly close, but we shared so many years together (going camping & fishing during Summers) & up until I was 15 I thought he was my biological grandfather anyway. So that never really factored into it. But his passing has meant that I've been forced to reflect on what it all means, and it has not been easy at all.

Being away from home now, living in London, doesn't help matters. I've missed my dad & my family back in Melbourne so much. I've realised how much they mean to me, not that I ever take them for granted. I wished I could have said goodbye to my Nannu (Maltese for Grandfather).

It made me think about my other wishes. How I wish I could have had the chance to say hello to my other Grandfathers - my mum's father who passed away when I was a baby & T5's father, whom I have never met & probably will never meet. It opened up all of that pain, that raw, primal pain of not knowing my own father still. Feelings of abandonment arose again and it has all been a bit much.

I've realised that losing people who I grow close to to be really difficult too, reminding me of that first loss, a loss before I was even born! Strange. And yes it is possible to miss some one you have never met, I know all too well. People have come in and out of my life, as they will in everyones. It is a part of life, but one that I always have really struggled with & it makes sense as to why. My own father abandoned me before he knew me, before I got the chance to grow attached to him. So when I grow close to people now I just get scared, scared that they will leave me too. And it makes it all that much harder when there is nothing that I have done explicitly wrong. In the past few months this has occurred twice now and I don't understand why. When I look back over the years each loss has been a blow to my own understanding of myself. Both recent situations are complicated & private. All I can say of them is that the grief is compounded. These instances make me question my identity on so many levels. Why should these people hang around if my father won't even make an appearance? What is my worth if my own father doesn't want to know me? I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic, but when I'm in the raw pangs of loss & grief my mind becomes a monster. I spiral down the rabbit hole. These thoughts gush on in, even though I know they don't necessarily make sense. Although I know I am a good person.

I try not to get too attached to people, but I do, I'm a loving & caring person. I love people, I love being around my friends & family, I love making new friends. But I don't understand why these losses keep happening. I don't now how not to associate them with T5. I don't know what it is that makes people disappear. Some times I honestly feel cursed. Am I meant to suffer these losses for a reason? Is this my karma? I wonder.

Anyway, back to the top, I'm going to miss my Nannu. I am so thankful that he was a part of my life & that I got to know him. He always treated me like one of his grandchildren, even after they found out (he didn't know about my DC status until I was a teen either!). He will be missed so much. I am blessed to have known him.

And so I sit with all of these amazingly hard paradoxes....... To be loved, to have loved..... to have lost, to have known..... To be still sitting with so much pain & to be so happy that life blesses us in different ways, with different people, for whatever reason..... I am trying to just be peaceful, allowing myself the sadness.... And trying to stay strong for myself & my family. Questioning the world & it's people.... Will love sit with me long enough one day to help me to understand that I am worthy of it?

The What Ifs..

What if he doesn't know about the voluntary registers and is just oblivious to me exising?

What if he is dead?

What if he doesn't want to think about the fact that he has children as a result of his donations?

What if he thinks about it, but doesn't care?

What if he thinks about it and it all seems too hard, so he just doesn't even bother?

What if I make contact and he chooses he would rather not know me?

It's all too much some times, and maybe ignorance is bliss...............

I am N.T.

Ok, so screw keeping this a secret... secrets is what made me and I am not going to be an advocate for them, for I know the damage they can do.

T5 = His surname starts with the letter T and he was the fifth donor at Prince Henry's to donate, with the surname starting with T.  

Therefore I am Narelle T.  

His surname is Maltese and starts with the letter T.  

This means a lot to me.... My sister thinks it's sad that I am thrilled with such small news, and I think it is sad, that I have to sit around and be fed bread crumbs about all of this, this information that is MINE.  It's so frustrating, yet I am happy to know something more.

I will visit Malta within the next few months.  I will visit my mum's home town and my maternal relatives, and who knows, I might just bump into T5's relatives (my relatives) without even knowing it.  Either way, it will be nice to "go home".

Another piece of the puzzle

I have a new little small, amazing piece of this strange puzzle.  It came as a surprise, and is much welcomed into my life, into this puzzle that seems never ending.

I'm not sure I can share what this piece is, but I will say that it sheds some light on who this person is, who T5 is.  And it tells me something about myself.  It changes something about me, it adds something too.  It doesn't change me exactly, but it gives me something else that I can say about him and about me, without a doubt.  

I was so happy to learn about this new revelation from another donor conceived friend . Her email came out of the blue.  We were conceived at the same clinic, possibly frozen vile by vile, just chillin. HAH. get it?  Hmmm.

Lately, I don't know what it is, but I have felt so tired of the whole search.  Tired of trying to find this person and more information, because it seems so fruitless.  After all of these years and what do I know? Not much more than I did when I was 15.  The small little pieces help, but they also keep you hanging.  Just when  you let it go to the back of your mind, something happens, rises out of nowhere and makes you wonder... Should I keep looking?  Should I pursue this lead?  Is it worth my time?  Will anything become of it? Probably not.  I have no energy for this all right now, but it's all fresh in my mind, heart and soul again.  

I can narrow it down a whole lot more with this extra piece.  So close, yet so far.

And so in 18 days I leave the country and my search here, for a little while anyway.  I need to escape it all, although it will inevitably follow me wherever I go. 

There is no escaping the self.  

Petition - Rights for all donor conceived people

Please sign this petition, which is asking that ALL donor conceived people can access their records in Australia.

http://www.clan.org.au/dcsg/legislation/petition.html

Thank you!

Human Error

'Human error' is the mostly likely explanation as to why there seems to be no paper file about T5.  Even though I've known about my DC status for 10 years now, I still find this idea unfair and difficult.

More and more DC people are coming forward in Melbourne, and more from the same clinic I was conceived, Prince Henry's. I knew the time would come and I'm happy that I can step back for a little while and let them take the reigns. I'll never completely give up searching (you should know that by now!), but for now some new (??) DC people have the energy that I once had in the early days of lobbying. It's somewhat of a relief... and it is also refreshing and inspiring all at once.

Anyway, my "donor file".... Some DC people born before me have more information than I do, as their donor files are still existent, or at least accessible. My donor file is simply not there, or maybe it is, somewhere at the public records office, maybe filed in the wrong place? Perhaps it was human error that means I can't know more about T5. Maybe it wasn't a mistake at all, maybe the "donor" was a doctor, who knows? (A few people, but not me). But surely, wherever this file is, it holds more information about T5... This part of my life continues to feel like a twisted movie.

I haven't stopped wanting to know more and I don't think I ever will.

I just realised that one of my DC sister's birthdays is in 2 days, on January 10th. Again, happy and sad. She was born in 1985, so she will be turning 23. If only I could take her out and spoil her rotten, like my big sister did!

On another note, I should thank all of the politicians here in Victoria who have been and continue to be supportive of us pre-1988 DC people gainging access to their true birth records. If anything, the lead up to the passing of the ART Bill (2008) proved to me that thinking around our cause is changing and we are no longer being blatantly disregarded, as we were in the early days. We are being heard, and that is a definate step in the right direction!!

The battle continues.....