Sunday, October 18, 2009

Loss

It's been a tough few weeks & I've been reminded again about my "old friend grief" (A good friend told me this week that's how she refers to grief, I like the term). Everyone experiences it, lives with it. I'm sitting with it now & it has got me to thinking of T5 again.

A week ago today my grandfather passed away. He lived a good, long life. He was the only grandfather I have ever known. He is also my dad's father. We weren't incredibly close, but we shared so many years together (going camping & fishing during Summers) & up until I was 15 I thought he was my biological grandfather anyway. So that never really factored into it. But his passing has meant that I've been forced to reflect on what it all means, and it has not been easy at all.

Being away from home now, living in London, doesn't help matters. I've missed my dad & my family back in Melbourne so much. I've realised how much they mean to me, not that I ever take them for granted. I wished I could have said goodbye to my Nannu (Maltese for Grandfather).

It made me think about my other wishes. How I wish I could have had the chance to say hello to my other Grandfathers - my mum's father who passed away when I was a baby & T5's father, whom I have never met & probably will never meet. It opened up all of that pain, that raw, primal pain of not knowing my own father still. Feelings of abandonment arose again and it has all been a bit much.

I've realised that losing people who I grow close to to be really difficult too, reminding me of that first loss, a loss before I was even born! Strange. And yes it is possible to miss some one you have never met, I know all too well. People have come in and out of my life, as they will in everyones. It is a part of life, but one that I always have really struggled with & it makes sense as to why. My own father abandoned me before he knew me, before I got the chance to grow attached to him. So when I grow close to people now I just get scared, scared that they will leave me too. And it makes it all that much harder when there is nothing that I have done explicitly wrong. In the past few months this has occurred twice now and I don't understand why. When I look back over the years each loss has been a blow to my own understanding of myself. Both recent situations are complicated & private. All I can say of them is that the grief is compounded. These instances make me question my identity on so many levels. Why should these people hang around if my father won't even make an appearance? What is my worth if my own father doesn't want to know me? I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic, but when I'm in the raw pangs of loss & grief my mind becomes a monster. I spiral down the rabbit hole. These thoughts gush on in, even though I know they don't necessarily make sense. Although I know I am a good person.

I try not to get too attached to people, but I do, I'm a loving & caring person. I love people, I love being around my friends & family, I love making new friends. But I don't understand why these losses keep happening. I don't now how not to associate them with T5. I don't know what it is that makes people disappear. Some times I honestly feel cursed. Am I meant to suffer these losses for a reason? Is this my karma? I wonder.

Anyway, back to the top, I'm going to miss my Nannu. I am so thankful that he was a part of my life & that I got to know him. He always treated me like one of his grandchildren, even after they found out (he didn't know about my DC status until I was a teen either!). He will be missed so much. I am blessed to have known him.

And so I sit with all of these amazingly hard paradoxes....... To be loved, to have loved..... to have lost, to have known..... To be still sitting with so much pain & to be so happy that life blesses us in different ways, with different people, for whatever reason..... I am trying to just be peaceful, allowing myself the sadness.... And trying to stay strong for myself & my family. Questioning the world & it's people.... Will love sit with me long enough one day to help me to understand that I am worthy of it?

2 comments:

Mary C. said...

Merry Christmas Rel. I periodically check here to see if you've updated your quest for your donor father. You remind me of my 13 year old daughter and I often wonder if she will go through the tribulations you have faced in your search. I wish you peace.

Amanda said...

I just found your blog. I hope you'll come back and blog some more! :-)