What would you do if you were told you had no right to access information about your own identity?
From a cheeky little girl, to a determined young woman; this is my story.
Hi~ I am currently 9 months pregnant because of donor eggs. I have several diseses which prevented me from becoming a mother naturally. I have purchased children's books about donor eggs and plan to tell my child as soon as she is born by story time every day. I wonder if you could just give me any further advice on how to go about this. I know you were 15 when you were told and it was shocking for you. I just want to do what is best for my daughter = no one seems to really understand. Any advice for me?
Hi there shiner,My advice is this:*Yes, be honest with your child from day 1, no ifs or buts about it. It's their story and yours, share it openly.*Did you use an anonymous donor? I hope you say no.*If you did use an anonymous donor, collate as much information about them into a book, that is theirs. Their story. Are you open to meeting them? If so is this possible?*If you used a known donor - allow your child to know them.*Don't fantasize the donor by using words that make the donor seem like a mystical being - they are human, they are not some magical person who gave you a "gift". *Don't make them feel "grateful" to be alive, for although I am sure you went to great lengths to have your child, they are still just that, a child and to make them feel "special" can work adversely for them.*Allow them to feel many different emotions and feelings about their donor conception over their life. It will most likely change as they get older, not necessarily for the worse... just be open and supportive that your child is their own person who may feel differently to how you do about the whole thing.*If they want to meet donor siblings, assist them and allow them to do so.That's all I can think of right now. Those points came to mind without much thinking, and are my views. I expect others will have different ideas about what you should do, but from my experience, I think these are pretty important points to keep in mind.All the best!!!
Hi! Thanks for answering so thoroughly. We definitely plan to be honest from day one. Yep, we had to use an anonymous donor because we were going to use my sister but it just didn't work out. She's had health problems and has 2 children of her own not counting her husband. So, we used the donor program at the infertility clinic I've been using for years. They gave me some information on her but only what their policies would let them. They are not allowed to give me her personal information. So, I am open to meeting her but I do not have a way to do so. So I shouldn't tell my daughter that her genetic mother did give her father and I a gift? We actually bought the eggs so, that's not exactly true I suppose. Should I just say she was a really sweet lady that helped us make her? I know what you mean about the "special" verbiage. I'll stay away from that. She didn't ask to be here. Again, thank you so much for the perspective. Do you think that most donor conceived people eventually want to meet their "real" parent?
"Again, thank you so much for the perspective. Do you think that most donor conceived people eventually want to meet their "real" parent?"You're welcome.Yes, I do... It's human nature/curiosity to want to know who the person is that assisted in your creation. Even if just thinking from a genetics point of view..
Hi Shiner,research conducted by Mahlstedt et al to be published in Sterility and Fertility (accepted) shows that 87% of adult donor offspring wish to know the identity of their father, while 62% wanted to at least meet him once and 26% wanted to establish a relationship with him. While this relates to donor sperm, there is no reason to believe that children born from donor eggs would feel any different.I agree with everything Rel has said.
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