Monday, May 19, 2008

A Letter From my Father, by Me.

Over the past weekend I went on a camp with some kids who are in care through my work.  It was a great experience and on Saturday night we did an interesting activity.  We had to write letters from people who we have lost in our lives.  We may have lost them through death, through parting ways or by choice.  We had to write the letters as though we were them, writing letters to us.  I thought about many people whom I could have written about, but thought it might be interesting to write a letter from my father/T5 to me.  Although I have never met him, I miss him a lot.  It's really hard for most people to understand this I think.  I've been met with many questions as to how this can be.  "How can you miss someone you have never met?".  I think it's partly that I miss him and my paternal family and partly that I miss a part of myself.  There are things that I can't understand, things that would assist me in knowing myself better.  So I wrote this letter and it was as though I was channelling a greater force, or perhaps I was just writing what I'd hope that he would write to me if he felt that he could not come forward.  Something for me to go on...

"Dear Narelle,

I've never met you or known you, but I am a part of you and you are a part of me.  When I donated all those years ago at Prince Henry's I was young and wasn't thinking too far into the future.  I thought that some extra money would help me and my new wife.  No one told me that one day you might want and need to know me.

I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused you by my actions and absence.  I should've known that any children created from my donations might be curious and want answers.  

I've missed so many years and can imagine that you've grown into a lovely young woman.  

I've been too scared to approach the ITA and come forward because I don't want to disturb the life you have with your family, and your dad.  And I don't know how it would effect my wife and children...

I think about you and I wish only happiness for you.  One day we will meet, if not on earth, then after life in spirit.  I realise you're hurting and missing me even though we've never met.

I am sorry and I love you.

We will always be connected."

It seems so silly to type out, but this exercise was really therapeutic. 


Unknown said...

thanks for sharing this. it is very validating somehow for my impulse to write these letters to my kids during their time in the womb. jealously, i hope to be alive and well to watch them grow, to be part of their lives, but if I disappear, or even if I don't, here are these glimpses of their clueless dad. loving them to pieces before even meeting them. sure your dad would be amazed and thrilled by you.

damianhadams said...

Hi Rel,

that was a lovey letter. Unfortunately if I wrote mine right now it would probably be the exact opposite to yours even though I would dearly wish that it would infact miror yours.
Sometimes it is very dificult to remove the stains of bitterness.


Rel said...

Hi Stefan,

I think it's beautiful that you're doing that. I'm sure your children will really appreciate it when they are older.

Thanks so much for saying that, as sometimes I wonder what he would think of me. It would be nice to know he really was amazed by me. I sense he is simply scared of me, what I represent or might mean to him.

Hi Damian, Thank you!! Yes, I can imagine yours would be quite different. I too could write another... a very different one too. This letter that I have written is a hopeful one. I can imagine it could also read something like:

"Narelle, You were simply one moment in my life that I do not think about at all. You are not my child, I have my own children now. My wife and I do not want to be disturbed, so please stop trying to find me."

That is a more likely letter, a more likely scenario. I just wish he would say SOMETHING, anything at all... even something nasty would give me reason to stop searching, to move on. I can't say that I know what you're going through Damian, or that I wish to be in your position either, but I hope you can see what I mean?

It's all so messy and I am so tired of not having anything to go on. It's mentally and spiritually exhausting :(

I hope you're ok Damian. You're in my thoughts.

Ken Khoa Ho-Le said...

Hi Rel

I am a donor. I love to meet all my DC offsprings. I've met one through ITA and am very pleased.

I can understand your sadness. There are a few offsprings whom I won't be able to meet because their parents won't tell them the truth. This causes me pain.