Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Fizzle.....

I have burnt out i think. Doing media interviews over the last little while and then back over the last 3 years has taken it's toll. Not to mention the emails, the debates, the letters, uni work (most of my essays are on this topic), books, etc... Don't get me wrong I'm in this for the long haul, but it's about time I reflect and be honest with myself. I can't seem to get fired up lately. I have been sick for the last few days and bed ridden and it was in this state that I realised how nice it is to not think about all of this for a bit. Not checking my emails was a delight. I watched movies and just spent time on my own. I have to do this more. For my own sanity and so that I have the strength to keep this up for others too.

I can now finally understand what others before me have felt in way of burning out. I never thought I would feel this way and thought those that burnt out were weak. Silly me! It's a natural part of it. With so much ignorance and stupidity thrown at you it's bound to happen. There are so many times someone can be asked if they are grateful to be alive before you feel as though you are about to snap!! Are you grateful to be alive? WELL ARE YOU? Stupid irrelevent question. What is it's purpose? It only shows how shallow humans can be. This whole industry is the most disgusting display of human greed and power at it's best. I feel kind of sad to be alive in this time of history......... "For Sale, one egg, ripe for the gestating, have yourself one of my eggs for the nice sum of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" It is sick.......... Human life now merely a sum of money... a trade off....... Human life is now for sale people. I am sad to see it happening. What price will you pay?

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I have a few weeks off uni now and I am so happy to have the time to think. I have been numb to all of this for a while. I think for self preservation reasons I need to do other things for a bit.

I don't know what I am getting at really. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.... that to want to know my father is a huge ask. I wonder how people can so carelessy and easily manipulate people's families to benefit themselves..... How someone could deny another human being something so fundamental as their identity. I don't get it. Sometimes it's like being caught in a really bad dream. You can see the clarity of it and no one else can. When I meet people who understand I thank God. There are decent humans on Earth! Praise the LAWWWWWD!

Lately I have been trying not to get so worked up about all of this, and it's been working. But then there is like this constant buzzing in my soul that doesn't stop. No matter what I do it travels with me. I can ignore it now and then. Sometimes I have to forget my situation...... Sometimes I don't want to be donor conceived. I want to be a normal kid (sure, what's normal?) who doesn't have to think about any of this. I have been forced to grow up and I am feeling like an old woman. I want to feel 23. In some ways I do of course.... hrmmmm.


Ok, I will sign off now. Not sure where my head is at.

10 comments:

momseekingpeace said...

I hear you, I have gotten to the burn out stage so many times, I feel like I cant deal with people who dont understand all the time and then always it seems just when I question why even bother I get a email or letter from a person saying how much I have helped or that my words helped them decide to parent instead of doing an adoption. Or worse I get mail from someone who just got taken by the industry and they dont know how to get through the next day. Then a fire starts again and I am back on it, I feel a responsibilty to keep talking, I envision if we all went silent, it would be like all the candles going out in a dark room, we cant let that happen. I have to remind myself that my voice may bet the lifeline some one in need hears.

Tragically the woman who's voice I heard, ended up committing suicide, she couldnt live without her daughter.

Take a break if you need one,Im glad to hear you are here to stay, your voice is so valuable I have learned so much from you.

MSP

Rel said...

MSP, Thank you muchly for this comment. I read it at exactly the right moment. Just before an interview with the Telegraph (UK)! It gave me some much needed fuel, so thanks lots :)

You are right about the candles. I won't ever let my light fizzle, i just need to take care of myself better i think.

I am really sorry to hear that someone you were reaching out to let go. I can't imagine how much sadness she must have felt to have done this.

momseekingpeace said...

Your welcome, Im glad it helped.

The woman I was speaking of had just commited suicide right before I had joined the group, they had posted some things she had written and one of the entries was like taking a hammer to my denial, everything she said was so me, I never knew anyone besides me felt like that before reading her words.

I wish I could have let her know how much she did for me by writing her thoughts for all the world to see.
You may have heard of her and if not you can read more here.

http://nebula.on.ca/canbmothers/English/articles/InMemoriam.htm

Michael said...

Yes, great portrait of you and Peaches in the Herald Sun today!
Pity that the accompanying blurb got it wrong: it would be so good if it were true.
Yes, take a break and kick back for a while - you deserve it.
Been feeling the same way myself and work has been pretty draining. Keep thinking I've got to add to my blog. But funny thing is people keep on reading it anyway, so that's OK.
Don't despair, Spring will soon be here.
Best wishes fom us - Michael & Lia

Rhonda said...

there is like this constant buzzing in my soul that doesn't stop.

This line was so poignant.

I understand both the buzzing and the burnout.

Mia said...

I tried a tropical island for a week and it worked wonders.........for a week.

It's hard to stay away, but breaks are definately necessary! Take it, enjoy it, relish it. All of this stuff, all of us, we'll be here when you return.

Rel said...

Thanks Michael & Lia :)

Yeh if only I could go to Prince Henry's and say, "look, the Sun says i can know now!"

Can't wait for Spring. My favourite time of year.

Rel said...

Rhonda, thanks for being understanding :)

Mia, haha sounds like you had a lovely time. I wish i could afford a tropical island holiday. I think i will have to wait it out until Christmas/Summer break here in Aus.

It's really great to have you guys even on my blog for support. Would be great if we could all teleport to a lunch time meal for just a few hours hehe.

momseekingpeace said...

Count me in on the teleport lunch!
MSP

Rel said...

MSP, ok :)