One step forward, two steps back

Hi!

I just wanted to post for anyone who is reading out there. I am still alive and well.

I have been wanting to update here for a while now, with something meaningful and insightful, but at the moment I am lacking the (mental/emotional?) energy.

Almost every time I take a step in my journey with this I feel that I then have to pull back for a while, even when I write. I almost feel like I take one step forward and two back some times. It's frustrating, but I also think it's necessary for my well being. It's emotionally draining to write here at times, although at the same time I love it and appreciate communicating with people who I would normally have the chance.

So this is not a good bye by any means, just a 'hello' and 'be with you shortly' post.

I'm still reading, thinking, learning and growing.

And I will be back soon, when my heart and soul are ready for more.

Oh, and just something in the mean time that I can share for now; I told my dad about the whole half sibling thing the other night. After my last post I felt like i owed it to him to be honest. I feel much better now that he knows.

See you soon!

A poem & what it means

I wrote this poem on 23rd August 2004.

today i had to draw up my family tree
for the first time instead of two parents i drew three

triangles representing unknowns...

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
what a mighty little fleet

my father, T5, we call him the next sperminator
spread his seed, a real ego inflator

a squiggly line between mum and he with no explanation
except for a lab and artificial insemination

the relationship between mum and he
it is non-existant, alive only through...

DUN! DUN! DUN!

his name is [....], he is a professor
of seperating families and making a mess of
it all for the greater... apparently

then squiggly lines down to seven more women
seven more siblings i may never be seein

what a mess, what a tree
it all adds up
and equals me

In around June 2004, I found out that I have 7 half siblings, all the "result" of T5's donations too.

It took me around 6 months from the time of sending a letter inquiring to find that out, but that's a whole other story. The wait was worth it, but then what of the time I have missed with them?

Where are they? Who are they? What are they like? Do we go to uni together? More questions.

I was able to find out the there are 4 other girls and 3 boys.

I have always wanted a brother, and then suddenly upon knowing this information i had 3!!

I have always wanted to be a big sister so that i could spoil my little sibling like my sister spoilt me.

I wasn't aware at the time of initially sending my letter, that I was able to know their years of birth, as it is "non-identifying" information.

So a second letter went out with a much faster reply, thankfully. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

The letter told me that 3 of the girls were born the same year as me, all 3 boys were born the year after me and the last girl was born in 1985.

I am a big sister!!!!!!!!!! I walked around the house saying that for quite a while.

I can't tell you what went through my mind, my heart and soul all at once when i read this news. I was overwhelmed with this feeling of a harsh reality, as though they had been born, yet cruelly i realised they may as well be dead to me, for i can never know them. I have no right to................

This is how the legislation has situated me from my own family.

To this day I think about them and yearn to know them. None of us agreed to be kept from each other. I am certain most if not all of them don't even know the truth about their birth origins. What about my brothers? How do they fare if they do know? Does their dad look after them? Do they want to find their biological father too? Are they too scared to step forward? I wonder if their perceptions of fatherhood have changed... they must have?

I have no idea, and once again this is the hardest thing to come to terms with.

The not knowing is frustrating, heartbreaking, unfair.

On that day my search stretched out to include a definate 8 people, my 'other' siblings and T5. This is of course not including the rest of my paternal family, but these people I know are connected to me and I will search for them until i die.

You know when someone says to you "Hey you look just like this girl i know..." or, "You look so familiar!". Imagine what goes through my head when people say that!

My mum even saw some girl she thought was me...... friends tell me they saw someone they thought may have been one of my sisters. Am i passing them on the street? It's really mind boggling.

So much so that I haven't told my dad about this still. Maybe he will find this before i tell him? I'm not sure why i haven't told him.... I have planned to, but there's never been a right moment. In some ways i think i am protecting him.. He will be so confused by this. It's one thing to think it might be a possibility to knowing that it is so. And then what if he plays it down and doesn't understand how important it is for me to find them? Still, I should tell him. It's just hard.

When you are a child, or someone's daughter or son, i think you like to protect your parents more than they know.

I am doing a subject at uni as a part of my social work degree about loss and grief. Last week we looked at grief and children. It was mainly focussed on how children deal with the death of a parent or some one close to them. Someone in the class asked the lecturer "What about children whose parents have died and whom they have not yet met?" This made me think about the parallels to this situation and DC of course.

And the answer to that question.... well my friends you will have to stay tuned. As that is another entry's worth of ponderings and revelations.