Anonymous Father's Day trailer

Secrets of the Father Become the Mysteries of the Child

Farrah Tomazin, Peter Munro

July 31, 2011

Narelle Grech, 28, was conceived via a sperm donor; recently diagnosed with bowel cancer, she is desperate to find her biological father. Photo: Craig Sillitoe

Should the children of sperm donors have the right to know their fathers?

THE journey to find out where she came from started more than a decade ago for Melbourne social worker Narelle Grech.

At the age of 15, Ms Grech's parents told her that she had been conceived through a sperm donor - news she has been trying to deal with ever since.

''Since I found out, I've been really curious to know who this person is, and then as I got older it became a whole lot bigger than that. It became about searching for my whole paternal family and those missing pieces that make up a lot of who I am,'' she said.

Who's Your Daddy?

Ms Grech, now 28, became even more determined to find her donor a few months ago, when she was diagnosed with bowel cancer and needed to learn more about her genetic and medical history. But despite multiple attempts get information through the doctor who helped her parents conceive her, she's had no luck.

Across town, Paul (who did not want his surname used), also wonders about his family tree - but from a different perspective. A long-time blood donor, Paul, 59, decided to donate sperm in his mid-20s after separating from his first wife. Each Father's Day, he wonders what became of the four children he helped conceive through donations in 1978.

Now remarried with two adult children, he has registered his details with the Victorian voluntary register of donors and donor-conceived children, but has received no replies.

''When I donated, it had to be completely anonymous - I had to sign a document saying I wouldn't try to find the kids,'' he said. ''But I have often found myself wandering around looking at kids of about the right age, wondering who they are, how they are going, whether they need a hand.''

The question of whether donor-conceived children should have the right to access their donor's information (or vice versa) has always been a vexed issue; a balancing act between the right to privacy versus the right to know.

State Parliament has now re-opened the debate, as part of a broad-ranging inquiry by the law reform committee. The committee chairman, Liberal MP Clem Newton-Brown, said the inquiry would consider the legal and practical issues that arose if all donor-conceived Victorians were given access to information about their donors, and their donor-conceived siblings.

At present, the law varies depending on when the donation was made, resulting in a ''three tiered'' system. Victorians conceived using sperm donated after January 1, 1998, have unconditional access to information about their donors. Those conceived using sperm donated between July 1, 1988, and December 31, 1997, can access information about their donors if their donor consents. But those conceived before 1988 don't have the right to access, because donors have been granted anonymity.

For people like Ms Grech, the laws are frustrating and heartbreaking. For many donors, though, this is how it should be. Some were university students who made a donation for money; others did so for altruistic reasons and now have their own families. It is often argued that providing donor information could unfairly complicate their lives or risk making them financially liable.

Law Institute of Victoria president Caroline Counsel said the law should not allow the release of the personal details of either party without their consent. ''You cannot say after the event, 'We are going to superimpose a new regime of disclosure.' I think that is an abuse of an altruistic act,'' she said.

But film director Roger Clarke, who donated his sperm in the early 1980s, takes a different view.

Mr Clarke gave consent for his information to be passed on to his offspring. A few years ago he met Riley Denham, the 22-year-old man he helped create. The pair now consider each other as ''mates''.

''It was his lifelong ambition to meet me, so on his 18th birthday his mum and dad gave him the file,'' Mr Clarke said.

Mr Clarke said he understood most donors would want to remain anonymous, but thinks there could be a ''halfway point'', where non-identifying information, such as medical information, is accessible.

Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/secrets-of-the-father-become-the-mysteries-of-the-child-20110730-1i5fe.html#ixzz1Tf4by3xG

I'm back.. And now with more reason to search than ever!

Loss

It's been a tough few weeks & I've been reminded again about my "old friend grief" (A good friend told me this week that's how she refers to grief, I like the term). Everyone experiences it, lives with it. I'm sitting with it now & it has got me to thinking of T5 again.

A week ago today my grandfather passed away. He lived a good, long life. He was the only grandfather I have ever known. He is also my dad's father. We weren't incredibly close, but we shared so many years together (going camping & fishing during Summers) & up until I was 15 I thought he was my biological grandfather anyway. So that never really factored into it. But his passing has meant that I've been forced to reflect on what it all means, and it has not been easy at all.

Being away from home now, living in London, doesn't help matters. I've missed my dad & my family back in Melbourne so much. I've realised how much they mean to me, not that I ever take them for granted. I wished I could have said goodbye to my Nannu (Maltese for Grandfather).

It made me think about my other wishes. How I wish I could have had the chance to say hello to my other Grandfathers - my mum's father who passed away when I was a baby & T5's father, whom I have never met & probably will never meet. It opened up all of that pain, that raw, primal pain of not knowing my own father still. Feelings of abandonment arose again and it has all been a bit much.

I've realised that losing people who I grow close to to be really difficult too, reminding me of that first loss, a loss before I was even born! Strange. And yes it is possible to miss some one you have never met, I know all too well. People have come in and out of my life, as they will in everyones. It is a part of life, but one that I always have really struggled with & it makes sense as to why. My own father abandoned me before he knew me, before I got the chance to grow attached to him. So when I grow close to people now I just get scared, scared that they will leave me too. And it makes it all that much harder when there is nothing that I have done explicitly wrong. In the past few months this has occurred twice now and I don't understand why. When I look back over the years each loss has been a blow to my own understanding of myself. Both recent situations are complicated & private. All I can say of them is that the grief is compounded. These instances make me question my identity on so many levels. Why should these people hang around if my father won't even make an appearance? What is my worth if my own father doesn't want to know me? I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic, but when I'm in the raw pangs of loss & grief my mind becomes a monster. I spiral down the rabbit hole. These thoughts gush on in, even though I know they don't necessarily make sense. Although I know I am a good person.

I try not to get too attached to people, but I do, I'm a loving & caring person. I love people, I love being around my friends & family, I love making new friends. But I don't understand why these losses keep happening. I don't now how not to associate them with T5. I don't know what it is that makes people disappear. Some times I honestly feel cursed. Am I meant to suffer these losses for a reason? Is this my karma? I wonder.

Anyway, back to the top, I'm going to miss my Nannu. I am so thankful that he was a part of my life & that I got to know him. He always treated me like one of his grandchildren, even after they found out (he didn't know about my DC status until I was a teen either!). He will be missed so much. I am blessed to have known him.

And so I sit with all of these amazingly hard paradoxes....... To be loved, to have loved..... to have lost, to have known..... To be still sitting with so much pain & to be so happy that life blesses us in different ways, with different people, for whatever reason..... I am trying to just be peaceful, allowing myself the sadness.... And trying to stay strong for myself & my family. Questioning the world & it's people.... Will love sit with me long enough one day to help me to understand that I am worthy of it?

The What Ifs..

What if he doesn't know about the voluntary registers and is just oblivious to me exising?

What if he is dead?

What if he doesn't want to think about the fact that he has children as a result of his donations?

What if he thinks about it, but doesn't care?

What if he thinks about it and it all seems too hard, so he just doesn't even bother?

What if I make contact and he chooses he would rather not know me?

It's all too much some times, and maybe ignorance is bliss...............

I am N.T.

Ok, so screw keeping this a secret... secrets is what made me and I am not going to be an advocate for them, for I know the damage they can do.

T5 = His surname starts with the letter T and he was the fifth donor at Prince Henry's to donate, with the surname starting with T.  

Therefore I am Narelle T.  

His surname is Maltese and starts with the letter T.  

This means a lot to me.... My sister thinks it's sad that I am thrilled with such small news, and I think it is sad, that I have to sit around and be fed bread crumbs about all of this, this information that is MINE.  It's so frustrating, yet I am happy to know something more.

I will visit Malta within the next few months.  I will visit my mum's home town and my maternal relatives, and who knows, I might just bump into T5's relatives (my relatives) without even knowing it.  Either way, it will be nice to "go home".

Another piece of the puzzle

I have a new little small, amazing piece of this strange puzzle.  It came as a surprise, and is much welcomed into my life, into this puzzle that seems never ending.

I'm not sure I can share what this piece is, but I will say that it sheds some light on who this person is, who T5 is.  And it tells me something about myself.  It changes something about me, it adds something too.  It doesn't change me exactly, but it gives me something else that I can say about him and about me, without a doubt.  

I was so happy to learn about this new revelation from another donor conceived friend . Her email came out of the blue.  We were conceived at the same clinic, possibly frozen vile by vile, just chillin. HAH. get it?  Hmmm.

Lately, I don't know what it is, but I have felt so tired of the whole search.  Tired of trying to find this person and more information, because it seems so fruitless.  After all of these years and what do I know? Not much more than I did when I was 15.  The small little pieces help, but they also keep you hanging.  Just when  you let it go to the back of your mind, something happens, rises out of nowhere and makes you wonder... Should I keep looking?  Should I pursue this lead?  Is it worth my time?  Will anything become of it? Probably not.  I have no energy for this all right now, but it's all fresh in my mind, heart and soul again.  

I can narrow it down a whole lot more with this extra piece.  So close, yet so far.

And so in 18 days I leave the country and my search here, for a little while anyway.  I need to escape it all, although it will inevitably follow me wherever I go. 

There is no escaping the self.  

Petition - Rights for all donor conceived people

Please sign this petition, which is asking that ALL donor conceived people can access their records in Australia.

http://www.clan.org.au/dcsg/legislation/petition.html

Thank you!

Human Error

'Human error' is the mostly likely explanation as to why there seems to be no paper file about T5.  Even though I've known about my DC status for 10 years now, I still find this idea unfair and difficult.

More and more DC people are coming forward in Melbourne, and more from the same clinic I was conceived, Prince Henry's. I knew the time would come and I'm happy that I can step back for a little while and let them take the reigns. I'll never completely give up searching (you should know that by now!), but for now some new (??) DC people have the energy that I once had in the early days of lobbying. It's somewhat of a relief... and it is also refreshing and inspiring all at once.

Anyway, my "donor file".... Some DC people born before me have more information than I do, as their donor files are still existent, or at least accessible. My donor file is simply not there, or maybe it is, somewhere at the public records office, maybe filed in the wrong place? Perhaps it was human error that means I can't know more about T5. Maybe it wasn't a mistake at all, maybe the "donor" was a doctor, who knows? (A few people, but not me). But surely, wherever this file is, it holds more information about T5... This part of my life continues to feel like a twisted movie.

I haven't stopped wanting to know more and I don't think I ever will.

I just realised that one of my DC sister's birthdays is in 2 days, on January 10th. Again, happy and sad. She was born in 1985, so she will be turning 23. If only I could take her out and spoil her rotten, like my big sister did!

On another note, I should thank all of the politicians here in Victoria who have been and continue to be supportive of us pre-1988 DC people gainging access to their true birth records. If anything, the lead up to the passing of the ART Bill (2008) proved to me that thinking around our cause is changing and we are no longer being blatantly disregarded, as we were in the early days. We are being heard, and that is a definate step in the right direction!!

The battle continues.....

First DC Protest, Parliament House Steps Melbourne, Australia October 22 2008

V., Myself & Myf

My letter in the Age newspaper, Melbourne

My right to know

AS A 26-year-old donor-conceived person I am very concerned about the hurried passing of the Assisted Reproductive Technologies Bill (2008) without proper insight into the consequences. The bill will not amend birth certificates to reflect the truth about a donor-conceived person's genetic origins, as is done for every other Victorian.

The bill also does not address issues for donor-conceived people such as myself, who were born prior to legislation, whose rightful information about their heritage remains locked up and only accessible to a privileged few.

I have no problem with gay and lesbian people raising children. My problem is that the Victorian Law Reform Commission was only concerned with the wants and so-called rights of adults to have children. Nowhere in the terms of reference was there mention of improving the already flawed legislation to make all donor-conceived people equal.

This is not good enough and if this legislation is passed as it is, we will be failing children born through donor conception.

//

I was privelaged to speak at Parliament House here in Victoria on Tuesday about my experience and the proposed ART Bill (2008). It is seriously flawed in that it does not address already existant issues for donor conceived people like myself and leaves open the potential for thousands of others born via DC to experience the same obstacles as those born decades ago.

I really hope that the Victorian Government takes a closer look at this Bill before passing it. Amendments need to be made so that it goes some way in making law equal for ALL donor conceived people and children.

Finding Out as a Teenager you Were DC

Podcast & transcript here

Hey, T5? Brothers? Sisters? Please register!!!!!!

Unpublished Letter to the Age

As an adult donor conceived person, I find it absolutely absurd that the study undertaken in Cambridge by the Centre for Family Research at Britain's Cambridge University (Parenting 06/07/2008 http://www.theage.com.au/news/parenting/assisted-fertility-not-an-issue/2008/07/06/1215282634863.html) claims to have proven that people born through assisted reprodcutive technologies do as well psychologically as children conceived by “natural” means. The majority of studies undertaken on donor conceived people are done with children, who as far as I am concerned, are unable to comprehend the weight of what their different conception will actually mean to them as they grow up and become adults. This study for instance focussed on 7 year olds, most of whom had not even been told about their assisted conception.

The effects of donor conception on the donor conceived can not be truly measured yet. Until the truth about ones true conception is recorded on birth certificates the number of people conceived via donor can only be estimated; the number who are told will also remain unknown whilst there is no onus on parents to tell, and the long term psychological effects of this mutli million dollar practice will remain under wraps for the sake of the scientists and doctors who are making squillions from willingly and wrongfully deceiving people of their true identity.

I can not know who my bioligical donor father is due to the era of secrecy into which I was born. The fact that this information is filed and kept under lock and key and out of my reach is like psychological torture. It's cruel, dehumanising and wrong in every way. The fact that the current review of legislation by the Victorian Law Reform Commission failed to address the issue of TRUE birth certificates means that many other donor conceived people will feel the way that I do in years to come. It’s a shame that we can not learn from past mistakes for the benefit of future generations.

A Letter From my Father, by Me.

Over the past weekend I went on a camp with some kids who are in care through my work.  It was a great experience and on Saturday night we did an interesting activity.  We had to write letters from people who we have lost in our lives.  We may have lost them through death, through parting ways or by choice.  We had to write the letters as though we were them, writing letters to us.  I thought about many people whom I could have written about, but thought it might be interesting to write a letter from my father/T5 to me.  Although I have never met him, I miss him a lot.  It's really hard for most people to understand this I think.  I've been met with many questions as to how this can be.  "How can you miss someone you have never met?".  I think it's partly that I miss him and my paternal family and partly that I miss a part of myself.  There are things that I can't understand, things that would assist me in knowing myself better.  So I wrote this letter and it was as though I was channelling a greater force, or perhaps I was just writing what I'd hope that he would write to me if he felt that he could not come forward.  Something for me to go on...

"Dear Narelle,

I've never met you or known you, but I am a part of you and you are a part of me.  When I donated all those years ago at Prince Henry's I was young and wasn't thinking too far into the future.  I thought that some extra money would help me and my new wife.  No one told me that one day you might want and need to know me.

I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused you by my actions and absence.  I should've known that any children created from my donations might be curious and want answers.  

I've missed so many years and can imagine that you've grown into a lovely young woman.  

I've been too scared to approach the ITA and come forward because I don't want to disturb the life you have with your family, and your dad.  And I don't know how it would effect my wife and children...

I think about you and I wish only happiness for you.  One day we will meet, if not on earth, then after life in spirit.  I realise you're hurting and missing me even though we've never met.

I am sorry and I love you.

We will always be connected."

It seems so silly to type out, but this exercise was really therapeutic. 

Happy Birthday Sister!

Yesterday it was one of my little (half, donor conceived) sister's birthday.  I was very fortunate in getting my 9 half DC sibling's dates of births and genders.  This is how I know and it's nice to have at least that information.  I want to make en effort this year to try to think of my siblings this year and celebrate their birthdays, even if in a small way.  I couldn't really though yesterday as it was mother's day and I didn't want to upset mum.  I think she would have been ok with it, but still, I know that she harbours some guilt around my situation and it just wouldn't have been appropriate.  Anyway, my little sister, born 11th May 1985 would have turned 22.  I hope that wherever she is that she is happy.  Maybe one day I can meet her, who knows?  I need to do more to try and find my siblings... it's just all so emotionally exhausting.  But one day soon I must get back into searching.

I guess lately I have become more accepting of my situation, that's not to say that I'm not still wanting answers, or curious.  I'll always be curious to know more, always be searching, I'm just not angry anymore, I'm active.  Lobbying and public speaking is meaning making for me, pulling a positive out of all of this for my own sanity and also to help other DC people.  It's rewarding and helps me to feel as though my conception, DC status can mean something greater.

I've now been working as a foster care worker for 5 months and loving it.  I love the children and trying to make a difference for them.  Working in foster care has been a real eye opener and I guess the stark differences for children in foster care vs DC people is very apparent.  The courts usually work towards reunification of children and their birth families... And where reunification is not possible links with birth family are encouraged, i.e. access visits.  It is seen as a vital element of foster care that workers and carers allow for this contact.  Yet in DC we are told our birth families are not important and those of us who do want to know our birth families are often met with questions as to why, opposition and some times, like in my situation, flat out refusal.  I should be content with what I have, is what they say, get on with things.... For the most part I do, however I just think that all children should have the opportunity to know their family of origin, it should be there choice and not a right that is fought for.

Triple J radio - Hack

I was on a radio program called Hack here in Australia. It's a youth current affairs show & this particular show included a topic about donors being able to choose who or more so who they do not wish their donations to go to. If you skip to around 6:57, it starts there. Another donor conceived person was also on the program.

Here is the link to the show.

New website for donor conceived people searching for their fathers

http://www.SearchingForMySpermDonorFather.org/

A big thank you to Tom who set this up and who is doing brilliantly helping to make a real difference for donor conceived people around the world.

My letter in the Age newspaper

Fighting for the right to know

AS A young woman who was conceived via anonymous donor sperm in 1981, I do acknowledge that not all donor-conceived people or adoptees, like Michael Nolan (Letters, 4/9), are as eager as I to seek out their true birth origins. I do believe, however, that there is a difference in having the option of knowing and not being afforded the right to begin with. All adoptees in Victoria have the opportunity to seek their birth records, while the story is very different for donor-conceived people, especially those of us born before legislation. We have no opportunity, no right to information that is ours. Not all believe that biology is important, but that is beside the point. A person should not have to fight for information that is rightfully theirs.

Whether it is a matter of identity or not, this is a human rights issue that has been swept under the carpet for far too long. I agree with Michael Nolan that life is grand. It is this grandness, this mystery that entices me to know all that I can about myself and the world. I want to see how it all fits, I want to see where I fit, how I came to be and everything in between. Isn't that what being human is about?

Those of us who do choose to search for their information should have the freedom to do so. I love and respect my parents who raised me and I also love and respect the man who helped to bring me into this world. It is important that ALL donor-conceived people are awarded the same rights as adoptees in Victoria.

Thanks be to the fathers

Happy Father's Day to my dad, who raised me as his own daughter and nurtured me into the person I am today.

Happy Father's Day to T5, who gave me life through his own and is with me always.