Another piece of the puzzle

I have a new little small, amazing piece of this strange puzzle.  It came as a surprise, and is much welcomed into my life, into this puzzle that seems never ending.

I'm not sure I can share what this piece is, but I will say that it sheds some light on who this person is, who T5 is.  And it tells me something about myself.  It changes something about me, it adds something too.  It doesn't change me exactly, but it gives me something else that I can say about him and about me, without a doubt.  

I was so happy to learn about this new revelation from another donor conceived friend . Her email came out of the blue.  We were conceived at the same clinic, possibly frozen vile by vile, just chillin. HAH. get it?  Hmmm.

Lately, I don't know what it is, but I have felt so tired of the whole search.  Tired of trying to find this person and more information, because it seems so fruitless.  After all of these years and what do I know? Not much more than I did when I was 15.  The small little pieces help, but they also keep you hanging.  Just when  you let it go to the back of your mind, something happens, rises out of nowhere and makes you wonder... Should I keep looking?  Should I pursue this lead?  Is it worth my time?  Will anything become of it? Probably not.  I have no energy for this all right now, but it's all fresh in my mind, heart and soul again.  

I can narrow it down a whole lot more with this extra piece.  So close, yet so far.

And so in 18 days I leave the country and my search here, for a little while anyway.  I need to escape it all, although it will inevitably follow me wherever I go. 

There is no escaping the self.  

Petition - Rights for all donor conceived people

Please sign this petition, which is asking that ALL donor conceived people can access their records in Australia.

http://www.clan.org.au/dcsg/legislation/petition.html

Thank you!

Human Error

'Human error' is the mostly likely explanation as to why there seems to be no paper file about T5.  Even though I've known about my DC status for 10 years now, I still find this idea unfair and difficult.

More and more DC people are coming forward in Melbourne, and more from the same clinic I was conceived, Prince Henry's. I knew the time would come and I'm happy that I can step back for a little while and let them take the reigns. I'll never completely give up searching (you should know that by now!), but for now some new (??) DC people have the energy that I once had in the early days of lobbying. It's somewhat of a relief... and it is also refreshing and inspiring all at once.

Anyway, my "donor file".... Some DC people born before me have more information than I do, as their donor files are still existent, or at least accessible. My donor file is simply not there, or maybe it is, somewhere at the public records office, maybe filed in the wrong place? Perhaps it was human error that means I can't know more about T5. Maybe it wasn't a mistake at all, maybe the "donor" was a doctor, who knows? (A few people, but not me). But surely, wherever this file is, it holds more information about T5... This part of my life continues to feel like a twisted movie.

I haven't stopped wanting to know more and I don't think I ever will.

I just realised that one of my DC sister's birthdays is in 2 days, on January 10th. Again, happy and sad. She was born in 1985, so she will be turning 23. If only I could take her out and spoil her rotten, like my big sister did!

On another note, I should thank all of the politicians here in Victoria who have been and continue to be supportive of us pre-1988 DC people gainging access to their true birth records. If anything, the lead up to the passing of the ART Bill (2008) proved to me that thinking around our cause is changing and we are no longer being blatantly disregarded, as we were in the early days. We are being heard, and that is a definate step in the right direction!!

The battle continues.....

First DC Protest, Parliament House Steps Melbourne, Australia October 22 2008

V., Myself & Myf

My letter in the Age newspaper, Melbourne

My right to know

AS A 26-year-old donor-conceived person I am very concerned about the hurried passing of the Assisted Reproductive Technologies Bill (2008) without proper insight into the consequences. The bill will not amend birth certificates to reflect the truth about a donor-conceived person's genetic origins, as is done for every other Victorian.

The bill also does not address issues for donor-conceived people such as myself, who were born prior to legislation, whose rightful information about their heritage remains locked up and only accessible to a privileged few.

I have no problem with gay and lesbian people raising children. My problem is that the Victorian Law Reform Commission was only concerned with the wants and so-called rights of adults to have children. Nowhere in the terms of reference was there mention of improving the already flawed legislation to make all donor-conceived people equal.

This is not good enough and if this legislation is passed as it is, we will be failing children born through donor conception.

//

I was privelaged to speak at Parliament House here in Victoria on Tuesday about my experience and the proposed ART Bill (2008). It is seriously flawed in that it does not address already existant issues for donor conceived people like myself and leaves open the potential for thousands of others born via DC to experience the same obstacles as those born decades ago.

I really hope that the Victorian Government takes a closer look at this Bill before passing it. Amendments need to be made so that it goes some way in making law equal for ALL donor conceived people and children.

Finding Out as a Teenager you Were DC

Podcast & transcript here

Hey, T5? Brothers? Sisters? Please register!!!!!!

Unpublished Letter to the Age

As an adult donor conceived person, I find it absolutely absurd that the study undertaken in Cambridge by the Centre for Family Research at Britain's Cambridge University (Parenting 06/07/2008 http://www.theage.com.au/news/parenting/assisted-fertility-not-an-issue/2008/07/06/1215282634863.html) claims to have proven that people born through assisted reprodcutive technologies do as well psychologically as children conceived by “natural” means. The majority of studies undertaken on donor conceived people are done with children, who as far as I am concerned, are unable to comprehend the weight of what their different conception will actually mean to them as they grow up and become adults. This study for instance focussed on 7 year olds, most of whom had not even been told about their assisted conception.

The effects of donor conception on the donor conceived can not be truly measured yet. Until the truth about ones true conception is recorded on birth certificates the number of people conceived via donor can only be estimated; the number who are told will also remain unknown whilst there is no onus on parents to tell, and the long term psychological effects of this mutli million dollar practice will remain under wraps for the sake of the scientists and doctors who are making squillions from willingly and wrongfully deceiving people of their true identity.

I can not know who my bioligical donor father is due to the era of secrecy into which I was born. The fact that this information is filed and kept under lock and key and out of my reach is like psychological torture. It's cruel, dehumanising and wrong in every way. The fact that the current review of legislation by the Victorian Law Reform Commission failed to address the issue of TRUE birth certificates means that many other donor conceived people will feel the way that I do in years to come. It’s a shame that we can not learn from past mistakes for the benefit of future generations.

A Letter From my Father, by Me.

Over the past weekend I went on a camp with some kids who are in care through my work.  It was a great experience and on Saturday night we did an interesting activity.  We had to write letters from people who we have lost in our lives.  We may have lost them through death, through parting ways or by choice.  We had to write the letters as though we were them, writing letters to us.  I thought about many people whom I could have written about, but thought it might be interesting to write a letter from my father/T5 to me.  Although I have never met him, I miss him a lot.  It's really hard for most people to understand this I think.  I've been met with many questions as to how this can be.  "How can you miss someone you have never met?".  I think it's partly that I miss him and my paternal family and partly that I miss a part of myself.  There are things that I can't understand, things that would assist me in knowing myself better.  So I wrote this letter and it was as though I was channelling a greater force, or perhaps I was just writing what I'd hope that he would write to me if he felt that he could not come forward.  Something for me to go on...

"Dear Narelle,

I've never met you or known you, but I am a part of you and you are a part of me.  When I donated all those years ago at Prince Henry's I was young and wasn't thinking too far into the future.  I thought that some extra money would help me and my new wife.  No one told me that one day you might want and need to know me.

I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused you by my actions and absence.  I should've known that any children created from my donations might be curious and want answers.  

I've missed so many years and can imagine that you've grown into a lovely young woman.  

I've been too scared to approach the ITA and come forward because I don't want to disturb the life you have with your family, and your dad.  And I don't know how it would effect my wife and children...

I think about you and I wish only happiness for you.  One day we will meet, if not on earth, then after life in spirit.  I realise you're hurting and missing me even though we've never met.

I am sorry and I love you.

We will always be connected."

It seems so silly to type out, but this exercise was really therapeutic. 

Happy Birthday Sister!

Yesterday it was one of my little (half, donor conceived) sister's birthday.  I was very fortunate in getting my 9 half DC sibling's dates of births and genders.  This is how I know and it's nice to have at least that information.  I want to make en effort this year to try to think of my siblings this year and celebrate their birthdays, even if in a small way.  I couldn't really though yesterday as it was mother's day and I didn't want to upset mum.  I think she would have been ok with it, but still, I know that she harbours some guilt around my situation and it just wouldn't have been appropriate.  Anyway, my little sister, born 11th May 1985 would have turned 22.  I hope that wherever she is that she is happy.  Maybe one day I can meet her, who knows?  I need to do more to try and find my siblings... it's just all so emotionally exhausting.  But one day soon I must get back into searching.

I guess lately I have become more accepting of my situation, that's not to say that I'm not still wanting answers, or curious.  I'll always be curious to know more, always be searching, I'm just not angry anymore, I'm active.  Lobbying and public speaking is meaning making for me, pulling a positive out of all of this for my own sanity and also to help other DC people.  It's rewarding and helps me to feel as though my conception, DC status can mean something greater.

I've now been working as a foster care worker for 5 months and loving it.  I love the children and trying to make a difference for them.  Working in foster care has been a real eye opener and I guess the stark differences for children in foster care vs DC people is very apparent.  The courts usually work towards reunification of children and their birth families... And where reunification is not possible links with birth family are encouraged, i.e. access visits.  It is seen as a vital element of foster care that workers and carers allow for this contact.  Yet in DC we are told our birth families are not important and those of us who do want to know our birth families are often met with questions as to why, opposition and some times, like in my situation, flat out refusal.  I should be content with what I have, is what they say, get on with things.... For the most part I do, however I just think that all children should have the opportunity to know their family of origin, it should be there choice and not a right that is fought for.

Triple J radio - Hack

I was on a radio program called Hack here in Australia. It's a youth current affairs show & this particular show included a topic about donors being able to choose who or more so who they do not wish their donations to go to. If you skip to around 6:57, it starts there. Another donor conceived person was also on the program.

Here is the link to the show.

New website for donor conceived people searching for their fathers

http://www.SearchingForMySpermDonorFather.org/

A big thank you to Tom who set this up and who is doing brilliantly helping to make a real difference for donor conceived people around the world.

My letter in the Age newspaper

Fighting for the right to know

AS A young woman who was conceived via anonymous donor sperm in 1981, I do acknowledge that not all donor-conceived people or adoptees, like Michael Nolan (Letters, 4/9), are as eager as I to seek out their true birth origins. I do believe, however, that there is a difference in having the option of knowing and not being afforded the right to begin with. All adoptees in Victoria have the opportunity to seek their birth records, while the story is very different for donor-conceived people, especially those of us born before legislation. We have no opportunity, no right to information that is ours. Not all believe that biology is important, but that is beside the point. A person should not have to fight for information that is rightfully theirs.

Whether it is a matter of identity or not, this is a human rights issue that has been swept under the carpet for far too long. I agree with Michael Nolan that life is grand. It is this grandness, this mystery that entices me to know all that I can about myself and the world. I want to see how it all fits, I want to see where I fit, how I came to be and everything in between. Isn't that what being human is about?

Those of us who do choose to search for their information should have the freedom to do so. I love and respect my parents who raised me and I also love and respect the man who helped to bring me into this world. It is important that ALL donor-conceived people are awarded the same rights as adoptees in Victoria.

Thanks be to the fathers

Happy Father's Day to my dad, who raised me as his own daughter and nurtured me into the person I am today.

Happy Father's Day to T5, who gave me life through his own and is with me always.

Dream a little dream

It seems as though the only place I am destined to meet him is in my dreams...

Upcoming conference

More information here!

Melbourne Child article

It has been a while. I don't know.. I think sometimes I can't deal with all of this anymore, and it's so easy to push to the back of my head when I can't handle it. There is so much going on in my life right now besides this that I have had to take another break I guess. I didn't intend to really. Anyways..

I did an interview for a free Magazine here in Melbourne (Australia) called Melbourne's Child. This is my part of the article:

"When Narelle was 15 she found out she was conceived using an anonymous sperm donor at Prince Henry Hospital. It had an enourmous impact on her life, and still does, especially as she cannot access any identifying information about him. "I want to know more about my genetic history and my medical background," she says. "It's something everyone takes for granted that donor-conceived people are often denied. I want to know more; his personality, his interests, what he's done with his life. People are a mixture of nature and nurture and to downplay either is wrong. There are some genetic influences that are undeniable and it's ignorant to say otherwise."

Narelle, and others like her, struggle with issues of identity and seperation, and often have a sense of feeling incomplete, even though they regard the people who raised them as their parents and love them dearly. Says Narelle "I suppose the main thing for me is that I feel a little disconnected; a kind of gut feeling that I'm not quite 100 per cent or something. I don't know things i should know to answer questions in my life. People shouldn't be lied to about something as fundamental as who they are. I know it's not really plausible to do, but i think parents shouldn't have the choice not to tell their children. The truth should be on the birth certificate and there should be a national register and no more anonymity."

One of the other significant issues for donor-conceived people is that of half siblings. Even today. sperm donors can donate up to 10 families, creating a significant pool of half-brothers and sisters. "I know that I have at least eight half-siblings," Narelle says, "and all in different families and we live in a small city... I think donors should only be allowed to donate to one family"

Fin.

Apparently he thinks about me too

On the speaking out trail again. I've been involved in 2 conferences and spoken at another 2 on my own in the last 2 months or so. It's been a ride. A weird one at that. Sometimes I can hear myself recounting my story, over and over, as though it's not really me. As though I'm watching myself speak these words, feel these heavy feelings, lips drying, heart beating, seeing the kitchen table we sat around as i recount my telling story... I am an example of the pain that is felt if told at a "later age", I can see it... I look up and see people pity me, feel sorry for me, think that I would have been less emotional if i was told at a younger age. I can't say for sure, but I don't think the pain of not knowing who my father is would be eased if i were told earlier. I still wouldn't be able to know him.

It was interesting to see a video of some other donor conceived people at one of the conferences. One young man in particular started off saying that he had no interest whatsoever in knowing his "donor" and that it didn't bother him at all. Mind you his mother was interviewing the group and in front of a large audience, including the other parents of the DC people. Yeah, going to get a really honest account of how they are feeling whilst trying to protect everyone else's feelings!!! Such a joke. Anyway, it was about a one hour video/interview... this young man went from saying he had no interest, to saying he would meet his "donor" if given the chance. He went from spouting the "i would only want to know for medical reasons", to "I would like to have a coffee with him, get to know him... what his personality is like". I smiled when I could see this turnaround, which was really quite quick and telling in my eyes. Of course he wants to know who his "donor" is.

There was discussion around control too. The idea that we want control over our information as DC people & understandably so. The young DC man stated that he had no hope of finding his "donor", no control over whether he found this man or not. I can see that for some of us DC people, where control over our search is limited, it is often VERY easy to say that we don't care, because frankly, there is almost no hope of ever knowing anything more. It's much easier to get by saying you don't care, it's a coping mechanism. There was another DC girl who had recently found out, who was asked if she was interested in finding out if she could trace her "donor". She had only found out within the last few months. She said something like "I don't want to know if I can find out or not, because I don't know what I would do if I couldn't" That pretty much says it all to me.

I differ here, because I have hope.... even though I know I may never meet my father, even though many people like to point out to me that there is basically no chance, I know that there is some hope. My mantra regarding this is "Hope for the best, expecting the worst". It's how I get by. I expect that T5 will never come forward, that he is proabably dead, but I hope that he is alive and interested in meeting his daughter... one of his daughters. (Gees)

Apparently at the last conference I was at someone stated that past donors do think about their possible children. They do wonder how we are. I wonder if T5 thinks about me? If he knows about me. If he has seen me on tv. Heard me on the radio. If he wants to know me, or is scared of me. This dreadheaded little hippy.. is she what he expected one of his daughters to be? Am I a disgrace to him, or do I make him proud? Can he see himself in me? Can he see me at all?

Multiply T5 13 times

In short I recently found out I definately have one extra sister, born in 1985. I am a big sister to two girls now :) I was able to also gain information that tells me all of my 9 half siblings dates of births and the fact that three 'outcomes' are unknown. This may mean that the women got pregnant and didn't notify of the birth or that they received treatment and didn't have babies. Who knows?? No one will ever know...

My siblings... 13 of us altogether now. Isn't that just crazy??

The four of us girls all born in 1982 were born one month apart. So the first in June, then July, then August, then me in September!! It's crazy... beyond crazy... unfair and amazing at the same time.

I have put all of this on the backburner in my mind trying to digest it all, trying to comprehend what this means, for me, for them, for so many others in my situation. It's messed up and I want to know them all and NOW!

I want to go out and party with them, get to know them like I would any stranger I meet for the first time, except these people are my family and always will be. Regardless if we have spent the last 20 odd years apart, they are my blood. And nothing anyone can say will ever change that.

Where are you brothers and sisters?

Reclaiming a part of my heritage

About 3 weeks ago now I had some news about T5. I received a call to inform me that my donor's name was now safe with the ITA. That in itself made me really happy. If legislation ever does become retrospective at least there is a name for me to search with, much more than other older DC people have. Some DC people's records have been destroyed, which is a downright crime against them!

Anyway, the conversation was a blur in my mind. I was sitting at a tram stop waiting to go home after my first day back at uni. I was scanning the counselor's words, waiting for the good bits. I knew this was a different conversation to others i had had in the past.

She knows how much i have wanted to know the nationality of my father and his family.... It's something I have fantisised about since i found out. I always imagined he was from the UK, that my paternal heritage was perhaps Scottish. Over time this idea has stuck with me, and I only realised it after i got this news.

Apparently his surname is distinctly Maltese. When she said this i burst into tears. I didn't care who was around or what they thought. I was in a trance like state, replaying the words over again and again, reminding myself that i was awake and that this directly impacted me, myself.. my identity.

My mother was born in Malta and travelled here when she was 16 years old. My dad's family is also from Malta. I am fortunate that I have been surrounded by Maltese people and culture since i was little, for now it means a lot more to me. Of course T5 having a Maltese surname does not mean that he is necessarily completely Maltese himself, however it is a definate part of who he is, who his father is, and who i am. Maybe there is still a UK connection on my paternal grandmother's side?

The news is still sinking in. Now and then i remember the weight of such information and have to really stop and process it again. It's really amazing how grounding this information has been for me. I feel a little closer to him, a little closer to knowing myself better. I don't feel complete in any way, but i do feel a sense of calm. A sense that this is right.

It also shatters my previous fantasies, as i mentioned earlier. It is so bizzaire how easy it is to conjur up a image of someone you have never met, never known. He is no longer a UK/Australian with a pot belly! Also, there is now certain fear that he has not told his family. Knowing my own Maltese family and the community in Melbourne at least, I don't think that he would have told his parents or anyone really. His parents would not understand.... He would face a lot of stereotypical cop-outs about this. It makes me think he is less likely to come forward, and that sucks. And perhaps more likely that he just did it for some extra cash. But who knows? I shouldn't generalise, but it's hard not to when i know it's most likely the case.

But this is another piece of information that I am certainly thrilled about. As a friend said I am getting closer!

In thinking about this whole process however i have thought that it might be compared to slow torture... this bit by bit revealing of information. I find out when i am 15, get a few non-identifying bits of information... wait a few more years find out a donor code... another year and i find out i have many more siblings than i had ever imagined... find out their years of birth and gender a few months later... now this. There is a voice inside of me screaming like an impatient child "I want it all and i want it NOW!" Patience is not one of my strong points generally speaking, but in reality i have no choice but to be patient with this.

I am happy that I know all of this information, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to sing the grateful child song. I deserve this information, it is mine, i know this. The universe has a funny way of working sometimes. I guess i just have to wait and see what happens next.

Well actually i did get some other news with relation to all of this, but i will save that for the next post. It's another whole can of worms!

...

Sinking into my skin... slowly moving down the rope to the Earth. I can see people through the clouds, but i can't make out their faces. Still disconnected, but somehow very changed.