who do you think you are?

Anonymous Father's Day trailer

2011-11-17T10:34:00.002Z

Secrets of the Father Become the Mysteries of the Child

2011-07-31T07:15:00.004+01:00

Farrah Tomazin, Peter Munro

July 31, 2011

Narelle Grech, 28, was conceived via a sperm donor; recently diagnosed with bowel cancer, she is desperate to find her biological father. Photo: Craig Sillitoe

Should the children of sperm donors have the right to know their fathers?

THE journey to find out where she came from started more than a decade ago for Melbourne social worker Narelle Grech.

At the age of 15, Ms Grech's parents told her that she had been conceived through a sperm donor - news she has been trying to deal with ever since.

''Since I found out, I've been really curious to know who this person is, and then as I got older it became a whole lot bigger than that. It became about searching for my whole paternal family and those missing pieces that make up a lot of who I am,'' she said.

Who's Your Daddy?

Ms Grech, now 28, became even more determined to find her donor a few months ago, when she was diagnosed with bowel cancer and needed to learn more about her genetic and medical history. But despite multiple attempts get information through the doctor who helped her parents conceive her, she's had no luck.

Across town, Paul (who did not want his surname used), also wonders about his family tree - but from a different perspective. A long-time blood donor, Paul, 59, decided to donate sperm in his mid-20s after separating from his first wife. Each Father's Day, he wonders what became of the four children he helped conceive through donations in 1978.

Now remarried with two adult children, he has registered his details with the Victorian voluntary register of donors and donor-conceived children, but has received no replies.

''When I donated, it had to be completely anonymous - I had to sign a document saying I wouldn't try to find the kids,'' he said. ''But I have often found myself wandering around looking at kids of about the right age, wondering who they are, how they are going, whether they need a hand.''

The question of whether donor-conceived children should have the right to access their donor's information (or vice versa) has always been a vexed issue; a balancing act between the right to privacy versus the right to know.

State Parliament has now re-opened the debate, as part of a broad-ranging inquiry by the law reform committee. The committee chairman, Liberal MP Clem Newton-Brown, said the inquiry would consider the legal and practical issues that arose if all donor-conceived Victorians were given access to information about their donors, and their donor-conceived siblings.

At present, the law varies depending on when the donation was made, resulting in a ''three tiered'' system. Victorians conceived using sperm donated after January 1, 1998, have unconditional access to information about their donors. Those conceived using sperm donated between July 1, 1988, and December 31, 1997, can access information about their donors if their donor consents. But those conceived before 1988 don't have the right to access, because donors have been granted anonymity.

For people like Ms Grech, the laws are frustrating and heartbreaking. For many donors, though, this is how it should be. Some were university students who made a donation for money; others did so for altruistic reasons and now have their own families. It is often argued that providing donor information could unfairly complicate their lives or risk making them financially liable.

Law Institute of Victoria president Caroline Counsel said the law should not allow the release of the personal details of either party without their consent. ''You cannot say after the event, 'We are going to superimpose a new regime of disclosure.' I think that is an abuse of an altruistic act,'' she said.

But film director Roger Clarke, who donated his sperm in the early 1980s, takes a different view.

Mr Clarke gave consent for his information to be passed on to his offspring. A few years ago he met Riley Denham, the 22-year-old man he helped create. The pair now consider each other as ''mates''.

''It was his lifelong ambition to meet me, so on his 18th birthday his mum and dad gave him the file,'' Mr Clarke said.

Mr Clarke said he understood most donors would want to remain anonymous, but thinks there could be a ''halfway point'', where non-identifying information, such as medical information, is accessible.

I'm back.. And now with more reason to search than ever!

2011-07-27T15:45:00.001+01:00

Loss

2009-10-18T17:20:00.005+01:00

It's been a tough few weeks & I've been reminded again about my "old friend grief" (A good friend told me this week that's how she refers to grief, I like the term). Everyone experiences it, lives with it. I'm sitting with it now & it has got me to thinking of T5 again.

A week ago today my grandfather passed away. He lived a good, long life. He was the only grandfather I have ever known. He is also my dad's father. We weren't incredibly close, but we shared so many years together (going camping & fishing during Summers) & up until I was 15 I thought he was my biological grandfather anyway. So that never really factored into it. But his passing has meant that I've been forced to reflect on what it all means, and it has not been easy at all.

Being away from home now, living in London, doesn't help matters. I've missed my dad & my family back in Melbourne so much. I've realised how much they mean to me, not that I ever take them for granted. I wished I could have said goodbye to my Nannu (Maltese for Grandfather).

It made me think about my other wishes. How I wish I could have had the chance to say hello to my other Grandfathers - my mum's father who passed away when I was a baby & T5's father, whom I have never met & probably will never meet. It opened up all of that pain, that raw, primal pain of not knowing my own father still. Feelings of abandonment arose again and it has all been a bit much.

I've realised that losing people who I grow close to to be really difficult too, reminding me of that first loss, a loss before I was even born! Strange. And yes it is possible to miss some one you have never met, I know all too well. People have come in and out of my life, as they will in everyones. It is a part of life, but one that I always have really struggled with & it makes sense as to why. My own father abandoned me before he knew me, before I got the chance to grow attached to him. So when I grow close to people now I just get scared, scared that they will leave me too. And it makes it all that much harder when there is nothing that I have done explicitly wrong. In the past few months this has occurred twice now and I don't understand why. When I look back over the years each loss has been a blow to my own understanding of myself. Both recent situations are complicated & private. All I can say of them is that the grief is compounded. These instances make me question my identity on so many levels. Why should these people hang around if my father won't even make an appearance? What is my worth if my own father doesn't want to know me? I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic, but when I'm in the raw pangs of loss & grief my mind becomes a monster. I spiral down the rabbit hole. These thoughts gush on in, even though I know they don't necessarily make sense. Although I know I am a good person.

I try not to get too attached to people, but I do, I'm a loving & caring person. I love people, I love being around my friends & family, I love making new friends. But I don't understand why these losses keep happening. I don't now how not to associate them with T5. I don't know what it is that makes people disappear. Some times I honestly feel cursed. Am I meant to suffer these losses for a reason? Is this my karma? I wonder.

Anyway, back to the top, I'm going to miss my Nannu. I am so thankful that he was a part of my life & that I got to know him. He always treated me like one of his grandchildren, even after they found out (he didn't know about my DC status until I was a teen either!). He will be missed so much. I am blessed to have known him.

And so I sit with all of these amazingly hard paradoxes....... To be loved, to have loved..... to have lost, to have known..... To be still sitting with so much pain & to be so happy that life blesses us in different ways, with different people, for whatever reason..... I am trying to just be peaceful, allowing myself the sadness.... And trying to stay strong for myself & my family. Questioning the world & it's people.... Will love sit with me long enough one day to help me to understand that I am worthy of it?

The What Ifs..

2009-08-14T22:15:00.004+01:00

What if he doesn't know about the voluntary registers and is just oblivious to me exising?

What if he is dead?

What if he doesn't want to think about the fact that he has children as a result of his donations?

What if he thinks about it, but doesn't care?

What if he thinks about it and it all seems too hard, so he just doesn't even bother?

What if I make contact and he chooses he would rather not know me?

It's all too much some times, and maybe ignorance is bliss...............

I am N.T.

2009-05-02T06:57:00.003+01:00

Ok, so screw keeping this a secret... secrets is what made me and I am not going to be an advocate for them, for I know the damage they can do.

T5 = His surname starts with the letter T and he was the fifth donor at Prince Henry's to donate, with the surname starting with T.

Therefore I am Narelle T.

His surname is Maltese and starts with the letter T.

This means a lot to me.... My sister thinks it's sad that I am thrilled with such small news, and I think it is sad, that I have to sit around and be fed bread crumbs about all of this, this information that is MINE. It's so frustrating, yet I am happy to know something more.

I will visit Malta within the next few months. I will visit my mum's home town and my maternal relatives, and who knows, I might just bump into T5's relatives (my relatives) without even knowing it. Either way, it will be nice to "go home".

Another piece of the puzzle

2009-04-26T14:32:00.002+01:00

I have a new little small, amazing piece of this strange puzzle. It came as a surprise, and is much welcomed into my life, into this puzzle that seems never ending.

I'm not sure I can share what this piece is, but I will say that it sheds some light on who this person is, who T5 is. And it tells me something about myself. It changes something about me, it adds something too. It doesn't change me exactly, but it gives me something else that I can say about him and about me, without a doubt.

I was so happy to learn about this new revelation from another donor conceived friend . Her email came out of the blue. We were conceived at the same clinic, possibly frozen vile by vile, just chillin. HAH. get it? Hmmm.

Lately, I don't know what it is, but I have felt so tired of the whole search. Tired of trying to find this person and more information, because it seems so fruitless. After all of these years and what do I know? Not much more than I did when I was 15. The small little pieces help, but they also keep you hanging. Just when you let it go to the back of your mind, something happens, rises out of nowhere and makes you wonder... Should I keep looking? Should I pursue this lead? Is it worth my time? Will anything become of it? Probably not. I have no energy for this all right now, but it's all fresh in my mind, heart and soul again.

I can narrow it down a whole lot more with this extra piece. So close, yet so far.

And so in 18 days I leave the country and my search here, for a little while anyway. I need to escape it all, although it will inevitably follow me wherever I go.

There is no escaping the self.

Petition - Rights for all donor conceived people

2009-01-21T22:04:00.002Z

Please sign this petition, which is asking that ALL donor conceived people can access their records in Australia.

http://www.clan.org.au/dcsg/legislation/petition.html

Thank you!

Human Error

2009-01-08T04:57:00.006Z

'Human error' is the mostly likely explanation as to why there seems to be no paper file about T5. Even though I've known about my DC status for 10 years now, I still find this idea unfair and difficult.

More and more DC people are coming forward in Melbourne, and more from the same clinic I was conceived, Prince Henry's. I knew the time would come and I'm happy that I can step back for a little while and let them take the reigns. I'll never completely give up searching (you should know that by now!), but for now some new (??) DC people have the energy that I once had in the early days of lobbying. It's somewhat of a relief... and it is also refreshing and inspiring all at once.

Anyway, my "donor file".... Some DC people born before me have more information than I do, as their donor files are still existent, or at least accessible. My donor file is simply not there, or maybe it is, somewhere at the public records office, maybe filed in the wrong place? Perhaps it was human error that means I can't know more about T5. Maybe it wasn't a mistake at all, maybe the "donor" was a doctor, who knows? (A few people, but not me). But surely, wherever this file is, it holds more information about T5... This part of my life continues to feel like a twisted movie.

I haven't stopped wanting to know more and I don't think I ever will.

I just realised that one of my DC sister's birthdays is in 2 days, on January 10th. Again, happy and sad. She was born in 1985, so she will be turning 23. If only I could take her out and spoil her rotten, like my big sister did!

On another note, I should thank all of the politicians here in Victoria who have been and continue to be supportive of us pre-1988 DC people gainging access to their true birth records. If anything, the lead up to the passing of the ART Bill (2008) proved to me that thinking around our cause is changing and we are no longer being blatantly disregarded, as we were in the early days. We are being heard, and that is a definate step in the right direction!!

The battle continues.....

First DC Protest, Parliament House Steps Melbourne, Australia October 22 2008

2008-10-25T00:10:00.002+01:00

V., Myself & Myf

My letter in the Age newspaper, Melbourne

2008-10-09T23:37:00.005+01:00

My right to know

AS A 26-year-old donor-conceived person I am very concerned about the hurried passing of the Assisted Reproductive Technologies Bill (2008) without proper insight into the consequences. The bill will not amend birth certificates to reflect the truth about a donor-conceived person's genetic origins, as is done for every other Victorian.

The bill also does not address issues for donor-conceived people such as myself, who were born prior to legislation, whose rightful information about their heritage remains locked up and only accessible to a privileged few.

I have no problem with gay and lesbian people raising children. My problem is that the Victorian Law Reform Commission was only concerned with the wants and so-called rights of adults to have children. Nowhere in the terms of reference was there mention of improving the already flawed legislation to make all donor-conceived people equal.

This is not good enough and if this legislation is passed as it is, we will be failing children born through donor conception.

//

I was privelaged to speak at Parliament House here in Victoria on Tuesday about my experience and the proposed ART Bill (2008). It is seriously flawed in that it does not address already existant issues for donor conceived people like myself and leaves open the potential for thousands of others born via DC to experience the same obstacles as those born decades ago.

I really hope that the Victorian Government takes a closer look at this Bill before passing it. Amendments need to be made so that it goes some way in making law equal for ALL donor conceived people and children.

Finding Out as a Teenager you Were DC

2008-08-09T03:18:00.004+01:00

Podcast & transcript here

Hey, T5? Brothers? Sisters? Please register!!!!!!

2008-08-08T00:19:00.005+01:00

Unpublished Letter to the Age

2008-07-11T01:07:00.002+01:00

As an adult donor conceived person, I find it absolutely absurd that the study undertaken in Cambridge by the Centre for Family Research at Britain's Cambridge University (Parenting 06/07/2008 http://www.theage.com.au/news/parenting/assisted-fertility-not-an-issue/2008/07/06/1215282634863.html) claims to have proven that people born through assisted reprodcutive technologies do as well psychologically as children conceived by “natural” means. The majority of studies undertaken on donor conceived people are done with children, who as far as I am concerned, are unable to comprehend the weight of what their different conception will actually mean to them as they grow up and become adults. This study for instance focussed on 7 year olds, most of whom had not even been told about their assisted conception.

The effects of donor conception on the donor conceived can not be truly measured yet. Until the truth about ones true conception is recorded on birth certificates the number of people conceived via donor can only be estimated; the number who are told will also remain unknown whilst there is no onus on parents to tell, and the long term psychological effects of this mutli million dollar practice will remain under wraps for the sake of the scientists and doctors who are making squillions from willingly and wrongfully deceiving people of their true identity.

I can not know who my bioligical donor father is due to the era of secrecy into which I was born. The fact that this information is filed and kept under lock and key and out of my reach is like psychological torture. It's cruel, dehumanising and wrong in every way. The fact that the current review of legislation by the Victorian Law Reform Commission failed to address the issue of TRUE birth certificates means that many other donor conceived people will feel the way that I do in years to come. It’s a shame that we can not learn from past mistakes for the benefit of future generations.

A Letter From my Father, by Me.

2008-05-19T12:53:00.002+01:00

Over the past weekend I went on a camp with some kids who are in care through my work. It was a great experience and on Saturday night we did an interesting activity. We had to write letters from people who we have lost in our lives. We may have lost them through death, through parting ways or by choice. We had to write the letters as though we were them, writing letters to us. I thought about many people whom I could have written about, but thought it might be interesting to write a letter from my father/T5 to me. Although I have never met him, I miss him a lot. It's really hard for most people to understand this I think. I've been met with many questions as to how this can be. "How can you miss someone you have never met?". I think it's partly that I miss him and my paternal family and partly that I miss a part of myself. There are things that I can't understand, things that would assist me in knowing myself better. So I wrote this letter and it was as though I was channelling a greater force, or perhaps I was just writing what I'd hope that he would write to me if he felt that he could not come forward. Something for me to go on...

"Dear Narelle,

I've never met you or known you, but I am a part of you and you are a part of me. When I donated all those years ago at Prince Henry's I was young and wasn't thinking too far into the future. I thought that some extra money would help me and my new wife. No one told me that one day you might want and need to know me.

I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused you by my actions and absence. I should've known that any children created from my donations might be curious and want answers.

I've missed so many years and can imagine that you've grown into a lovely young woman.

I've been too scared to approach the ITA and come forward because I don't want to disturb the life you have with your family, and your dad. And I don't know how it would effect my wife and children...

I think about you and I wish only happiness for you. One day we will meet, if not on earth, then after life in spirit. I realise you're hurting and missing me even though we've never met.

I am sorry and I love you.

We will always be connected."

It seems so silly to type out, but this exercise was really therapeutic.

Happy Birthday Sister!

2008-05-12T09:47:00.002+01:00

Yesterday it was one of my little (half, donor conceived) sister's birthday. I was very fortunate in getting my 9 half DC sibling's dates of births and genders. This is how I know and it's nice to have at least that information. I want to make en effort this year to try to think of my siblings this year and celebrate their birthdays, even if in a small way. I couldn't really though yesterday as it was mother's day and I didn't want to upset mum. I think she would have been ok with it, but still, I know that she harbours some guilt around my situation and it just wouldn't have been appropriate. Anyway, my little sister, born 11th May 1985 would have turned 22. I hope that wherever she is that she is happy. Maybe one day I can meet her, who knows? I need to do more to try and find my siblings... it's just all so emotionally exhausting. But one day soon I must get back into searching.

I guess lately I have become more accepting of my situation, that's not to say that I'm not still wanting answers, or curious. I'll always be curious to know more, always be searching, I'm just not angry anymore, I'm active. Lobbying and public speaking is meaning making for me, pulling a positive out of all of this for my own sanity and also to help other DC people. It's rewarding and helps me to feel as though my conception, DC status can mean something greater.

I've now been working as a foster care worker for 5 months and loving it. I love the children and trying to make a difference for them. Working in foster care has been a real eye opener and I guess the stark differences for children in foster care vs DC people is very apparent. The courts usually work towards reunification of children and their birth families... And where reunification is not possible links with birth family are encouraged, i.e. access visits. It is seen as a vital element of foster care that workers and carers allow for this contact. Yet in DC we are told our birth families are not important and those of us who do want to know our birth families are often met with questions as to why, opposition and some times, like in my situation, flat out refusal. I should be content with what I have, is what they say, get on with things.... For the most part I do, however I just think that all children should have the opportunity to know their family of origin, it should be there choice and not a right that is fought for.

Triple J radio - Hack

2007-11-30T11:41:00.000Z

I was on a radio program called Hack here in Australia. It's a youth current affairs show & this particular show included a topic about donors being able to choose who or more so who they do not wish their donations to go to. If you skip to around 6:57, it starts there. Another donor conceived person was also on the program.

Here is the link to the show.

New website for donor conceived people searching for their fathers

2007-11-03T02:48:00.002Z

http://www.SearchingForMySpermDonorFather.org/

A big thank you to Tom who set this up and who is doing brilliantly helping to make a real difference for donor conceived people around the world.

My letter in the Age newspaper

2007-09-09T12:26:00.001+01:00

Fighting for the right to know

AS A young woman who was conceived via anonymous donor sperm in 1981, I do acknowledge that not all donor-conceived people or adoptees, like Michael Nolan (Letters, 4/9), are as eager as I to seek out their true birth origins. I do believe, however, that there is a difference in having the option of knowing and not being afforded the right to begin with. All adoptees in Victoria have the opportunity to seek their birth records, while the story is very different for donor-conceived people, especially those of us born before legislation. We have no opportunity, no right to information that is ours. Not all believe that biology is important, but that is beside the point. A person should not have to fight for information that is rightfully theirs.

Whether it is a matter of identity or not, this is a human rights issue that has been swept under the carpet for far too long. I agree with Michael Nolan that life is grand. It is this grandness, this mystery that entices me to know all that I can about myself and the world. I want to see how it all fits, I want to see where I fit, how I came to be and everything in between. Isn't that what being human is about?

Those of us who do choose to search for their information should have the freedom to do so. I love and respect my parents who raised me and I also love and respect the man who helped to bring me into this world. It is important that ALL donor-conceived people are awarded the same rights as adoptees in Victoria.

Thanks be to the fathers

2007-09-02T05:24:00.000+01:00

Happy Father's Day to my dad, who raised me as his own daughter and nurtured me into the person I am today.

Happy Father's Day to T5, who gave me life through his own and is with me always.

Dream a little dream

2007-03-24T02:13:00.000Z

It seems as though the only place I am destined to meet him is in my dreams...

Upcoming conference

2007-02-20T13:04:00.000Z

More information here!

Melbourne Child article

2007-01-24T06:05:00.000Z

It has been a while. I don't know.. I think sometimes I can't deal with all of this anymore, and it's so easy to push to the back of my head when I can't handle it. There is so much going on in my life right now besides this that I have had to take another break I guess. I didn't intend to really. Anyways..

I did an interview for a free Magazine here in Melbourne (Australia) called Melbourne's Child. This is my part of the article:

"When Narelle was 15 she found out she was conceived using an anonymous sperm donor at Prince Henry Hospital. It had an enourmous impact on her life, and still does, especially as she cannot access any identifying information about him. "I want to know more about my genetic history and my medical background," she says. "It's something everyone takes for granted that donor-conceived people are often denied. I want to know more; his personality, his interests, what he's done with his life. People are a mixture of nature and nurture and to downplay either is wrong. There are some genetic influences that are undeniable and it's ignorant to say otherwise."

Narelle, and others like her, struggle with issues of identity and seperation, and often have a sense of feeling incomplete, even though they regard the people who raised them as their parents and love them dearly. Says Narelle "I suppose the main thing for me is that I feel a little disconnected; a kind of gut feeling that I'm not quite 100 per cent or something. I don't know things i should know to answer questions in my life. People shouldn't be lied to about something as fundamental as who they are. I know it's not really plausible to do, but i think parents shouldn't have the choice not to tell their children. The truth should be on the birth certificate and there should be a national register and no more anonymity."

One of the other significant issues for donor-conceived people is that of half siblings. Even today. sperm donors can donate up to 10 families, creating a significant pool of half-brothers and sisters. "I know that I have at least eight half-siblings," Narelle says, "and all in different families and we live in a small city... I think donors should only be allowed to donate to one family"

Fin.

Apparently he thinks about me too

2006-11-04T01:49:00.000Z

On the speaking out trail again. I've been involved in 2 conferences and spoken at another 2 on my own in the last 2 months or so. It's been a ride. A weird one at that. Sometimes I can hear myself recounting my story, over and over, as though it's not really me. As though I'm watching myself speak these words, feel these heavy feelings, lips drying, heart beating, seeing the kitchen table we sat around as i recount my telling story... I am an example of the pain that is felt if told at a "later age", I can see it... I look up and see people pity me, feel sorry for me, think that I would have been less emotional if i was told at a younger age. I can't say for sure, but I don't think the pain of not knowing who my father is would be eased if i were told earlier. I still wouldn't be able to know him.

It was interesting to see a video of some other donor conceived people at one of the conferences. One young man in particular started off saying that he had no interest whatsoever in knowing his "donor" and that it didn't bother him at all. Mind you his mother was interviewing the group and in front of a large audience, including the other parents of the DC people. Yeah, going to get a really honest account of how they are feeling whilst trying to protect everyone else's feelings!!! Such a joke. Anyway, it was about a one hour video/interview... this young man went from saying he had no interest, to saying he would meet his "donor" if given the chance. He went from spouting the "i would only want to know for medical reasons", to "I would like to have a coffee with him, get to know him... what his personality is like". I smiled when I could see this turnaround, which was really quite quick and telling in my eyes. Of course he wants to know who his "donor" is.

There was discussion around control too. The idea that we want control over our information as DC people & understandably so. The young DC man stated that he had no hope of finding his "donor", no control over whether he found this man or not. I can see that for some of us DC people, where control over our search is limited, it is often VERY easy to say that we don't care, because frankly, there is almost no hope of ever knowing anything more. It's much easier to get by saying you don't care, it's a coping mechanism. There was another DC girl who had recently found out, who was asked if she was interested in finding out if she could trace her "donor". She had only found out within the last few months. She said something like "I don't want to know if I can find out or not, because I don't know what I would do if I couldn't" That pretty much says it all to me.

I differ here, because I have hope.... even though I know I may never meet my father, even though many people like to point out to me that there is basically no chance, I know that there is some hope. My mantra regarding this is "Hope for the best, expecting the worst". It's how I get by. I expect that T5 will never come forward, that he is proabably dead, but I hope that he is alive and interested in meeting his daughter... one of his daughters. (Gees)

Apparently at the last conference I was at someone stated that past donors do think about their possible children. They do wonder how we are. I wonder if T5 thinks about me? If he knows about me. If he has seen me on tv. Heard me on the radio. If he wants to know me, or is scared of me. This dreadheaded little hippy.. is she what he expected one of his daughters to be? Am I a disgrace to him, or do I make him proud? Can he see himself in me? Can he see me at all?

Multiply T5 13 times

2006-09-22T13:39:00.000+01:00

In short I recently found out I definately have one extra sister, born in 1985. I am a big sister to two girls now :) I was able to also gain information that tells me all of my 9 half siblings dates of births and the fact that three 'outcomes' are unknown. This may mean that the women got pregnant and didn't notify of the birth or that they received treatment and didn't have babies. Who knows?? No one will ever know...

My siblings... 13 of us altogether now. Isn't that just crazy??

The four of us girls all born in 1982 were born one month apart. So the first in June, then July, then August, then me in September!! It's crazy... beyond crazy... unfair and amazing at the same time.

I have put all of this on the backburner in my mind trying to digest it all, trying to comprehend what this means, for me, for them, for so many others in my situation. It's messed up and I want to know them all and NOW!

I want to go out and party with them, get to know them like I would any stranger I meet for the first time, except these people are my family and always will be. Regardless if we have spent the last 20 odd years apart, they are my blood. And nothing anyone can say will ever change that.

Where are you brothers and sisters?

Reclaiming a part of my heritage

2006-08-17T15:46:00.000+01:00

About 3 weeks ago now I had some news about T5. I received a call to inform me that my donor's name was now safe with the ITA. That in itself made me really happy. If legislation ever does become retrospective at least there is a name for me to search with, much more than other older DC people have. Some DC people's records have been destroyed, which is a downright crime against them!

Anyway, the conversation was a blur in my mind. I was sitting at a tram stop waiting to go home after my first day back at uni. I was scanning the counselor's words, waiting for the good bits. I knew this was a different conversation to others i had had in the past.

She knows how much i have wanted to know the nationality of my father and his family.... It's something I have fantisised about since i found out. I always imagined he was from the UK, that my paternal heritage was perhaps Scottish. Over time this idea has stuck with me, and I only realised it after i got this news.

Apparently his surname is distinctly Maltese. When she said this i burst into tears. I didn't care who was around or what they thought. I was in a trance like state, replaying the words over again and again, reminding myself that i was awake and that this directly impacted me, myself.. my identity.

My mother was born in Malta and travelled here when she was 16 years old. My dad's family is also from Malta. I am fortunate that I have been surrounded by Maltese people and culture since i was little, for now it means a lot more to me. Of course T5 having a Maltese surname does not mean that he is necessarily completely Maltese himself, however it is a definate part of who he is, who his father is, and who i am. Maybe there is still a UK connection on my paternal grandmother's side?

The news is still sinking in. Now and then i remember the weight of such information and have to really stop and process it again. It's really amazing how grounding this information has been for me. I feel a little closer to him, a little closer to knowing myself better. I don't feel complete in any way, but i do feel a sense of calm. A sense that this is right.

It also shatters my previous fantasies, as i mentioned earlier. It is so bizzaire how easy it is to conjur up a image of someone you have never met, never known. He is no longer a UK/Australian with a pot belly! Also, there is now certain fear that he has not told his family. Knowing my own Maltese family and the community in Melbourne at least, I don't think that he would have told his parents or anyone really. His parents would not understand.... He would face a lot of stereotypical cop-outs about this. It makes me think he is less likely to come forward, and that sucks. And perhaps more likely that he just did it for some extra cash. But who knows? I shouldn't generalise, but it's hard not to when i know it's most likely the case.

But this is another piece of information that I am certainly thrilled about. As a friend said I am getting closer!

In thinking about this whole process however i have thought that it might be compared to slow torture... this bit by bit revealing of information. I find out when i am 15, get a few non-identifying bits of information... wait a few more years find out a donor code... another year and i find out i have many more siblings than i had ever imagined... find out their years of birth and gender a few months later... now this. There is a voice inside of me screaming like an impatient child "I want it all and i want it NOW!" Patience is not one of my strong points generally speaking, but in reality i have no choice but to be patient with this.

I am happy that I know all of this information, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to sing the grateful child song. I deserve this information, it is mine, i know this. The universe has a funny way of working sometimes. I guess i just have to wait and see what happens next.

Well actually i did get some other news with relation to all of this, but i will save that for the next post. It's another whole can of worms!

...

Sinking into my skin... slowly moving down the rope to the Earth. I can see people through the clouds, but i can't make out their faces. Still disconnected, but somehow very changed.

They're coming out of the woodwork!

2006-07-19T01:37:00.000+01:00

More and more donor conceived people are coming forward with similar feelings as myself and others who are "Not Happy John" with their DC status.

This new blog looks just great!

Donated Generation

Keep on coming DC people, we know you are out there and wanting to speak up too! We can make a difference.

Mental imagery

2006-07-09T15:08:00.000+01:00

I like to read the news online daily. Today I had a nice sleep in and so I just had the chance after work and some late dinner to meander over today's news. One story caught my eye in particular as it spoke of an armed hold up in the suburb where I live and this incident involved gun fire. Anything like this close to home always sets me on edge. You never think stuff like this actually happens til it affects you personally or is close to home. Anyway, I read the article with much intigue and concern and the article ends with a short physical description of the robber. I wondered if it would even be possible to detect someone with such little information about their physical appearance. It could be anyone really....... Which led me to thinking, wow... this is about as much information as I have about my father. That is insane!! And it's funny because when I tell people how tall he is and what physical descriptors I have, I often picture him standing in front of one of those walls with the measurements behind his head, as though he was a criminal. I have this shady image in my mind, that really could be anyone...

When the Courier article put his weight and height into kilograms and centimetres, the way in which I grew up measuring, I was a little thrown. I grilled my poor brother-in-law as to how tall he was and how much he weighed without even explaining myself haha... But yeh, now I realise he was at the time of donation only 2 inches taller than me... and much fatter haha. I see where I get my little and curvy build from now... it's kinda weird. It's kinda nothing too. But something. The saying clutching at straws comes to mind. I am so sick of clutching onto nothing. Sometimes I feel lucky though in that I know I do have much more than some others... but I hate feeling "lucky" even, because I certainly don't feel it.

I remember I had a dream once that T5 lived across the road from my family home and one day just casually walked up our driveway and introduced himself.

I wish we had year books here in Australia like they do over in the states, so that I could browse through some photos, just to even perhaps have an idea of what he might look like. Brown hair, brown eyes........... short....... plump........ hrmm.

T5 if you're out there, please sign up to the ITA voluntary registers. I need some confirmation that you exist.

Newspaper article

2006-07-07T15:17:00.000+01:00

The article that appeared in Melbourne's Herald Sun was a watered down, shorter version of the much better and longer story that appeared in the Queensland Courier Mail on the same day. I just came across the Courier's story today, and so here it is.

Where did I come from?
Fran Metcalf
July 01, 2006

IT WAS a blow to Narelle Grech the day she discovered at the age of 15 that her dad wasn't her biological father.

Grech grew up with her older sister in the northern Melbourne suburb of Reservoir and never had any reason to question her bloodline or origins.

But then one day her parents broke the news. "I was conceived by the help of a sperm donor," says Grech, now 23.

"My sister was conceived naturally but then my parents had some fertility problems."

And just two years ago, after searching for more information about her genetic heritage, Grech discovered she had seven half siblings who were all conceived from the same biological father as her own.

"Mum's motivation in telling me was that she was worried I would meet or become involved with a half brother which is a well-founded fear," she says.

"I have three half brothers who are a year younger than me and four half sisters."

Grech's story could soon become far more familiar.

From today, laws come into effect that allow all donor-conceived children born on or after July 1, 1988, in Victoria to initiate contact with their biological parent once they turn 18 years old and become legal adults. Likewise, the donor father can apply for identifying information on any or all adult children conceived from his sperm.

They apply to the Melbourne-based Infertility Treatment Authority, created as a regulatory body and storage house, which has kept records on the 3315 assisted births from 1057 donors in Victoria since 1988.

Under the Infertility (Medical Procedures) Act 1984 (effective from 1988), both parties in an assisted conception have the right to refuse approaches for personal information about themselves but donor-assisted children born after 1995 will not need consent from their biological father to access his name, address and other identifying information once they too reach adulthood.

With 6000 children born each year in Australia through assisted conceptions, the Victorian laws have reignited debate about whether there's a need for uniform, national laws to enshrine every child's right to their genetic heritage.

"We know that most parents who have children born from assisted conception – it could be as many as 70 per cent – don't tell their children," says Queensland University of Technology bioethics legal expert Professor Derek Morgan.

So, the first that many of them learn of their birth origin could be a letter from the ITA saying their biological father is seeking contact or personal information.

Given normal population movements around the country, ITA manager of donor register services Helen Kane says it's likely that some of those letters could appear in the mailboxes of young adults now living in Queensland or other states.

"We're not actually expecting many applications from the young adults now turning 18," Kane says. "What we have already experienced is a steady stream of people wanting to know how to tell their children they were conceived by donor sperm or egg."

Kane says research reveals that people begin searching for the genetic heritage from their mid-20s onwards when they first enter serious relationships or begin thinking of starting their own family.

That was true for Grech.

"Early on, not long after my parents told me, we wrote a letter to the doctor and within a few weeks he sent back some non-identifying information," she says.

"I know he was a student, he was married, he had brown hair and brown eyes, he was 170cm tall and weighed about 82kg and had O-positive blood type. At the time, that was enough for me."

But Grech, who is studying social work at Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology, has wanted to know more as she's grown older.

"The thing that bugs me most is I want to know his nationality," she says.

"It might help with my physical features a bit because my mum and dad are Maltese with dark hair and skin but I'm very Australian looking.

"I also want to know what his interests are, what his occupation is, what he did for his life and what are his favourite foods – the little things you want to know about people."

Morgan says it's basic information about personal and family heritage that most people take for granted but to which this group deserves equal rights.

"These kinds of reproductive technologies have produced people who may not necessarily be able to find out who their genetic parents are and the more we begin to understand about the genetic basis for certain types of diseases, it's increasingly important to know about your make-up."

Morgan will deliver a keynote address at the Australian Bioethics Association Conference, hosted by QUT, next week in Brisbane and will talk about the issues surrounding technology, identity and modern medical law. He believes national laws are needed, based on Victoria's model, to create a sensitive, efficient and enforceable system that places the rights of donor-assisted children above all else.

"Western Australia and South Australia have similar laws to Victoria but Queensland and other states have no laws at all – there needs to be a national register," he says.

But Dr Keith Harrison, Queenslander Fertility Group scientific director and Fertility Society of Australia secretary, says industry codes of practice ensure the same rights to donor-conceived children as the Victorian laws enshrine.

Harrison says all anonymous sperm donations stopped two years ago.

All donors since then have been required to consent to their personal information being released to any child subsequently conceived.

"The National Health and Medical Research Council guidelines state every child must be able to trace its genetic heritage," Harrison says.

"That put an end to anonymous donor semen in Australia and in any one donor, there's a maximum of 10 families that can be created.

"Those guidelines are enshrined in a code of practice and every IVF clinic is accredited by the Reproductive Technology Accreditation Committee."

Harrison says identifying information can be accessed in Queensland in the same way as it is in Victoria, the only difference being that the relative parties apply to the clinic where the treatment took place rather than the ITA regulatory body.

"We, as clinics, also have obligations to regularly contact donors to keep track of them," Harrison says.

"The chance of being closed down for not complying with the regulations is pretty good incentive to comply."

The biggest difference with the Victorian law, says Harrison, is that it gives donors the right to trace their progeny once the children become legal adults and research shows only half – at best – of parents disclose the truth to their donor-assisted children.

Grech says the earlier parents tell their children, the better.

"There are cases of donor-assisted children discovering their birth origins in the middle of family arguments or when a family friend lets the information slip," she says.

"I think parents should tell their children – even at 18 years old – because it's better than when you're 40 or after the death of one of your parents.

"Young people can deal with things better than adults expect them to."

And she says parents need not feel threatened.

"Parents need to understand it's a personal thing – a quest for your own identity and personality traits," she says.

"It's not about replacing or changing relationships."

Unfortunately for Grech, she was born in 1982 and isn't therefore affected by the new laws in Victoria.

"I try not to think about it because I know it might not ever happen but I'd love to meet him (donor)," she says.

"It would mean the world to me and I'd love to meeting all my half siblings as well."

source: http://www.thecouriermail.news.com.au/story/0,20797,19642078-3102,00.html

Fizzle.....

2006-06-27T12:04:00.000+01:00

I have burnt out i think. Doing media interviews over the last little while and then back over the last 3 years has taken it's toll. Not to mention the emails, the debates, the letters, uni work (most of my essays are on this topic), books, etc... Don't get me wrong I'm in this for the long haul, but it's about time I reflect and be honest with myself. I can't seem to get fired up lately. I have been sick for the last few days and bed ridden and it was in this state that I realised how nice it is to not think about all of this for a bit. Not checking my emails was a delight. I watched movies and just spent time on my own. I have to do this more. For my own sanity and so that I have the strength to keep this up for others too.

I can now finally understand what others before me have felt in way of burning out. I never thought I would feel this way and thought those that burnt out were weak. Silly me! It's a natural part of it. With so much ignorance and stupidity thrown at you it's bound to happen. There are so many times someone can be asked if they are grateful to be alive before you feel as though you are about to snap!! Are you grateful to be alive? WELL ARE YOU? Stupid irrelevent question. What is it's purpose? It only shows how shallow humans can be. This whole industry is the most disgusting display of human greed and power at it's best. I feel kind of sad to be alive in this time of history......... "For Sale, one egg, ripe for the gestating, have yourself one of my eggs for the nice sum of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" It is sick.......... Human life now merely a sum of money... a trade off....... Human life is now for sale people. I am sad to see it happening. What price will you pay?

I have a few weeks off uni now and I am so happy to have the time to think. I have been numb to all of this for a while. I think for self preservation reasons I need to do other things for a bit.

I don't know what I am getting at really. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.... that to want to know my father is a huge ask. I wonder how people can so carelessy and easily manipulate people's families to benefit themselves..... How someone could deny another human being something so fundamental as their identity. I don't get it. Sometimes it's like being caught in a really bad dream. You can see the clarity of it and no one else can. When I meet people who understand I thank God. There are decent humans on Earth! Praise the LAWWWWWD!

Lately I have been trying not to get so worked up about all of this, and it's been working. But then there is like this constant buzzing in my soul that doesn't stop. No matter what I do it travels with me. I can ignore it now and then. Sometimes I have to forget my situation...... Sometimes I don't want to be donor conceived. I want to be a normal kid (sure, what's normal?) who doesn't have to think about any of this. I have been forced to grow up and I am feeling like an old woman. I want to feel 23. In some ways I do of course.... hrmmmm.

Ok, I will sign off now. Not sure where my head is at.

The American Adoption Congress Northwest Regional Conference

2006-06-21T06:13:00.000+01:00

CREATING THE EMPOWERED REUNION
The American Adoption Congress Northwest Regional Conference
Co-Sponsored by:
* Washington Adoption Reunion Movement (WARM)
* Adoption Mosaic
* Concerned United Birthparents (CUB – Portland)

August 11-12, 2006. Portland, OR
Early registration by July 15: $40/AAC member, $50/non-member
Late Registration: $50/AAC member, $60/non-member
(includes Friday night reception, all sessions on Saturday with continental breakfast and box lunch, and a Saturday night discussion gathering)

Info: Sharon Pittenger, 503-349-2082, spitty@teleport.com,
http://www.AmericanAdoptionCongress.org

Keynote Speakers
* Measure 58: The Journey of One Father and Son
[Measure 58 was an initiative petition passed by Oregon voters in the 1998 General Election allowing adoptees to unseal their birth records so they can locate their birth parents]
- Thomas McDermott, the attorney who represented the lawsuit defending Ballot Measure 58.
- Adam, Thomas’s son, is an adoptee who has turned 21 and has his original birth certificate.
* The Journey Turns Inward: Finding Our True Selves in the Opportunities and Hazards of Reunion: Connie Dawson, PhD, adoptee

WORKSHOPS
* Why Search? Beyond the Need for Medical Information
* Beginning the Search: A Panel Discussion
* Revitalizing the Search: Extending and Completing Your Search
* The Knock on the Door: Stories on Searching and Being Found
* Transracial Adoption Experiences
* Maintaining relationships with siblings, spouses, and extended families
* Managing the Emotions of Search and Reunion: Integrating the Past Self with the Present
* The Next Generation: How Adoption Affects my Parenting

New friend

2006-06-20T09:10:00.000+01:00

Through the grapevine, found this lovely lass named Sarah. She speaks her mind and I love her for it. Please check her blog out if you get the chance.

http://umbliclychallenged.blogspot.com/

'Making Babies' - SBS, Australia

2006-06-02T03:35:00.000+01:00

Some of you might be interested to view an online video of a studio debate on donor conception issues which screened on Tuesday night on SBS Television nationally in Australia, which I took part in. A transcript of the show is also available on this website:


http://news.sbs.com.au/insight/mmarchive.php

Have you got a name for it?

2006-05-10T04:03:00.000+01:00

Last year I was fortunate to go to a conference held by VANISH about adoption issues. Evelyn Robinson, a birth mother turned social worker and author, was one of the key speakers. I must say that this day, for me, was life changing.

Evelyn spoke about a concept that I have never heard of before; disenfranchised grief. I was to later learn that Kenneth Doka coined this term and wrote about it in his book called Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. Doka states that this is “Grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported” (Doka, 1989, pg.4).

Evelyn spoke about how this type of hidden grief operates in adoption and I could instantly see the paralells it had with my situation and donor conceived people's grief. It explained so much of what I had been feeling for the last few years. I felt that I had lost half of my family and the relationships with my father and all of these people, yet I did not feel that I could express this until quite some time later. Even now I do not feel that I am completly understood in this regard. I hid my sorrow, because of many reasons. Firstly, being told that I was so "wanted" and "special" meant that I did not want to show my sadness. From what everyone around me was saying I should be happy that my parents went to so much trouble to have me! There was no way in my mind that I could ever see myself expressing my true feelings, let alone anyone acknowledging my loss and pain.

Even though I am able to speak about my feelings now, my loss is still not acknowledged, it is definately not something that is publically mourned or socially supported. The vast majority of the public are so blinded to the long term effects of this practice. What most see is that it is so wonderful, as it gives a couple just what they wanted, a child to love. That is the happy ending, right? That is what is most important! How could anyone dispute this practice as being anything but good? (note sarcasm)

What I have always wondered is how can anybody, especially those who take for granted knowing their identity and their history, look past the effects seperating someone from their family really has? I often wish I could have the same powers as that guy in the Green Mile. Hold someone's hand (I have often thought this would be great to do with some politicians or fertility doctors), and let them truly feel the pain, sadness and loss that I have over the last 8 years.. all in one hit. I think people would realise then, but mainly people's lack of compassion and unwillingness to put themselves in someone elses shoes means that this practice will continue to fool people. Just like that big fast food chain claims it's meals are "healthy" at any cost, the fertility industry will spout any old line to keep raking in the money. "Sure there are no long term consequences!", "All they need is love", "Everything will be just FINE!" (now give us your money!).

I have thought about this a lot, as you can probably imagine. Something that I think helps to perpetuate this fantasy that donor conception is a fantastic and revolutionary practice are the labels used to change and distort the relationships that truly exist. The word donor for instance is one of them. I find this term highly offensive. He may have donated his sperm to my mother, to my parents, but he did not donate his sperm to me, as I was not yet alive! He is my biological father, and calling him otherwise hides the true connection that we have. This is one reason, I believe, why my loss is not recognised. Everyone says "He is just the DNA", "He did not raise you, so he cannot be your father!", and so on. To that I say bull! No matter what way you look at it he IS my biological father. He is more than just DNA, he is a part of me, my identity and who I am today. I walk with his influence everyday. I carry his traits, his families traits with me everyday. And the other day I remembered that the sperm determines the sex of the resulting child. So he is the reason I am a woman!! He may not have raised me, but he will always be my father. There is no denying it. Call him whatever you want, but I can see that people are just trying to distort reality for their own satisfaction, for their own cause, for their own position.

The fact that T5 is not a part of my life is a major loss to me. Not being able to know him and my paternal family is... indescribably hard.

So this concept of disenfranchised grief gave me something to look to... a name for what I had experienced. I remember coming home and just being blown away by Evelyn's speech. I sat and cried, but this day I cried happy tears. "I am not going mad!!!!", I thought. "I have a name for it, my sadness makes sense! It is real. Thank God!!!"

Sometimes I wish I could have some sort of public ceremony to recognise my loss. But this wouldn't really work. I have thought about this a lot too. T5 may be alive or dead, but I do not know if he is either. And what if he were to appear in my life later on? How could I possibly mourn his absence, if there is the possibility that he might come into my life one day? I feel as though it is so important that my loss and other donor conceived people's losses are acknowledged. I am not sure exactly how. Perhaps a good start is that the public start listening to people like myself and not write us off as a disgruntled few.

I believe that there might only be a few people like myself speaking out even in years to come. It is so hard to do this. I have been to this posting page so many times over the last few weeks and felt physically ill at the thought of writing about this. It takes so much energy, that I don't blame other donor conceived people for sitting back and letting a handful of people speak on their behalf. This is what has happened in the adoption community, here in Victoria, Australia anyway. With time I am hoping however that more people come forward.

I'm reading a book at the moment about an adopted woman. She had a really hard life and chose to write about it so candidly. She reiterated my feelings about why some people (adopted and donor conceived) choose not to venture into finding out about their history: "It is my belief that even when an adoptee claims to be a non-searcher, they are at some level, conscious or not, curious about their origins" (Seitz, 2001, pg.100). People often think that I am prescribing my own experience onto those who say they do not wish to know anything about their true genetic origins when I say "Actually I think they really do want to know and just don't want to open Pandora's box...". However the more I read adoption material, the more I speak to donor conceived people, the more I can see that there is a lot of truth to my instincts about this. All I can think is this: Regardless of what kind of relationship a donor conceievd person might want with their biological parent/s, how can they deny that these people helped to create their identity? How could someone not want to learn more about themselves? People who say they do not wish to know, I believe are using a coping mechanism to survive. And once again, I don't completely think this is bad, each to their own, however I think that for them to even admit that they want to know more would be recognition that they do feel some loss. I believe that for some people it is just far too hard to acknowledge, even to themselves.

Ok. Well that is all I have to say right now. Oh and if you haven't guessed it yet, the answer to that question in the previous post, ("What about children whose parents have died and whom they have not yet met?"), the lecturer replied, "Disenfranchised Grief".

One step forward, two steps back

2006-04-17T12:48:00.000+01:00

Hi!

I just wanted to post for anyone who is reading out there. I am still alive and well.

I have been wanting to update here for a while now, with something meaningful and insightful, but at the moment I am lacking the (mental/emotional?) energy.

Almost every time I take a step in my journey with this I feel that I then have to pull back for a while, even when I write. I almost feel like I take one step forward and two back some times. It's frustrating, but I also think it's necessary for my well being. It's emotionally draining to write here at times, although at the same time I love it and appreciate communicating with people who I would normally have the chance.

So this is not a good bye by any means, just a 'hello' and 'be with you shortly' post.

I'm still reading, thinking, learning and growing.

And I will be back soon, when my heart and soul are ready for more.

Oh, and just something in the mean time that I can share for now; I told my dad about the whole half sibling thing the other night. After my last post I felt like i owed it to him to be honest. I feel much better now that he knows.

See you soon!

A poem & what it means

2006-04-02T13:52:00.000+01:00

I wrote this poem on 23rd August 2004.

today i had to draw up my family tree
for the first time instead of two parents i drew three

triangles representing unknowns...

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
what a mighty little fleet

my father, T5, we call him the next sperminator
spread his seed, a real ego inflator

a squiggly line between mum and he with no explanation
except for a lab and artificial insemination

the relationship between mum and he
it is non-existant, alive only through...

DUN! DUN! DUN!

his name is [....], he is a professor
of seperating families and making a mess of
it all for the greater... apparently

then squiggly lines down to seven more women
seven more siblings i may never be seein

what a mess, what a tree
it all adds up
and equals me

In around June 2004, I found out that I have 7 half siblings, all the "result" of T5's donations too.

It took me around 6 months from the time of sending a letter inquiring to find that out, but that's a whole other story. The wait was worth it, but then what of the time I have missed with them?

Where are they? Who are they? What are they like? Do we go to uni together? More questions.

I was able to find out the there are 4 other girls and 3 boys.

I have always wanted a brother, and then suddenly upon knowing this information i had 3!!

I have always wanted to be a big sister so that i could spoil my little sibling like my sister spoilt me.

I wasn't aware at the time of initially sending my letter, that I was able to know their years of birth, as it is "non-identifying" information.

So a second letter went out with a much faster reply, thankfully. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

The letter told me that 3 of the girls were born the same year as me, all 3 boys were born the year after me and the last girl was born in 1985.

I am a big sister!!!!!!!!!! I walked around the house saying that for quite a while.

I can't tell you what went through my mind, my heart and soul all at once when i read this news. I was overwhelmed with this feeling of a harsh reality, as though they had been born, yet cruelly i realised they may as well be dead to me, for i can never know them. I have no right to................

This is how the legislation has situated me from my own family.

To this day I think about them and yearn to know them. None of us agreed to be kept from each other. I am certain most if not all of them don't even know the truth about their birth origins. What about my brothers? How do they fare if they do know? Does their dad look after them? Do they want to find their biological father too? Are they too scared to step forward? I wonder if their perceptions of fatherhood have changed... they must have?

I have no idea, and once again this is the hardest thing to come to terms with.

The not knowing is frustrating, heartbreaking, unfair.

On that day my search stretched out to include a definate 8 people, my 'other' siblings and T5. This is of course not including the rest of my paternal family, but these people I know are connected to me and I will search for them until i die.

You know when someone says to you "Hey you look just like this girl i know..." or, "You look so familiar!". Imagine what goes through my head when people say that!

My mum even saw some girl she thought was me...... friends tell me they saw someone they thought may have been one of my sisters. Am i passing them on the street? It's really mind boggling.

So much so that I haven't told my dad about this still. Maybe he will find this before i tell him? I'm not sure why i haven't told him.... I have planned to, but there's never been a right moment. In some ways i think i am protecting him.. He will be so confused by this. It's one thing to think it might be a possibility to knowing that it is so. And then what if he plays it down and doesn't understand how important it is for me to find them? Still, I should tell him. It's just hard.

When you are a child, or someone's daughter or son, i think you like to protect your parents more than they know.

I am doing a subject at uni as a part of my social work degree about loss and grief. Last week we looked at grief and children. It was mainly focussed on how children deal with the death of a parent or some one close to them. Someone in the class asked the lecturer "What about children whose parents have died and whom they have not yet met?" This made me think about the parallels to this situation and DC of course.

And the answer to that question.... well my friends you will have to stay tuned. As that is another entry's worth of ponderings and revelations.

'Missing Link'

2006-03-27T13:09:00.000+01:00

I found out about a play today that is going to be run in Melbourne, Australia called 'Missing Link'. It's based on donor conception issues.

I'm really looking forward to seeing it!

Read more about it here!

Connecting with others who are disconnected

2006-03-18T00:18:00.000Z

It wasn't until I was 18 years old that I went to see a counsellor about this. I remember vividly the bus ride there, trying to anticipate what it would be like to speak with this woman.

When I got there I found that she was a really lovely person and easy to speak to. She told me that she usually counselled couples considering "treatment" and that I was the first donor conceived person she had spoken to. I was a little surprised by this, and felt like in a way we were both in the same boat, session wise. She did the best she could given the situation. And now that I am studying social work and about to go on my first placement, I realise that she did extremely well given she had never come across a similar client. She had gathered some flyers and pages from books, that in hindsight helped so much. One was the details of a support group, with contact numbers on the back, another lot of papers was photocopied from a publication called "Let the Offsping Speak", a small collection of stories from other donor conceived people.

On the bus ride home I read through the stroies. There was one in particular that I related to SO much that it caused me to start crying on the bus ride home. I was crying because I was so happy that someone else felt like me, and because now I knew that what I had been keeping so private was something real... I wasn't going crazy!

Up until that point I felt as though I was the only donor conceived person in the world, and as though it would remain that way forever. To an extent I had tried to bury my feelings because of this fact.

I think it might have been a few months or even a year later when I decided to call someone on the back of the support group brochure. I noticed that the person's story with whom I related to on the bus ride home, shared the same name as someone on the back of the brochure. A long shot I thought, but perhaps this would be a good point to start.

Now can you imagine what was going through my head?! I had thought about it a lot. I paced the house, doing everything but sitting in front of the phone and dialing the number. What would I say? "Hello I am donor conceived, can we chat"??? I was freaking out!! I didn't know these people... calling a stranger for a deep and meaningful? It seemed so weird to me, but then I thought, "Well if they have their name on this thing as a point of contact they can't be too bad!"

I took the plunge and a lady answered. I can't remember what I said exactly, but once I told her I was donor conceived she was all ears and so lovley. She was the mother of the donor conceived person I wanted to speak to. We spoke for what seemed like a few minutes, but was in fact abour an hour. She told me her child was living interstate and gave me their number. And so I called this person a few nights later.

This conversation felt easier and it was such a relief to share stories and feelings that were so similar. I was estatic when I hung up the phone. I was not alone! I had spoken to a real live human being who knew what I was talking about.

The next opportunity I had, from my memory (a lot of these events seem hazy now), was a conference being held by an adoption support group here in Melbourne. I can't remember how I found out about it, but I went along not sure what to expect. It was a pretty heavy evening, to say the least, however I got the chance to meet some other donor conceived people, in the flesh! This was a real turning point for me.

Since then I have felt at most ease when with other donor conceived people or with adoptees, who have really supported me through the years. So many people think that adoption and donor conception are different, but really they are not. One is not intentional and the other is. The consequences of both for the resulting person, I have found, almost mirror eachother.

When I am with these people I feel like I truly belong somewhere. I feel most at home. I feel like I won't be questioned about something so important to me as my own family, my own identity. I can cry and not feel ashamed. We can laugh about it together, but no one else can. This is our inner circle... this is how I survive my pain and my loss.

Like I commented to Rhonda, I feel as though every time I meet another person in my position I am happy, although it is so bittersweet, because in order for us to have met we must have suffered a great loss. As Rhonda pointed out however, "It is definitely a club I wish I, and others like me, didn't belong to. Still, I'm glad for the company."

And I am too. Thank you to all those I have met so far who have helped me in my journey more than you can imagine, including those I have only met very recently through this very blogging site.

I should also mention at this point that although I do feel most "at home" with adoptees and DC people, I too have some amazing people around me without whom I would be lost. My sister is one of those people. A handful of friends and family who are really there for me, I would be lost without too. I think that without all of these people I would not be able to be as honest and active. I am very lucky in this regard.

It's so hard to explain how I feel otherwise, and on most days. Almost that I am half connected to this earth. If i could draw a picture for you, it would be of me floating above the earth, not too far above (I am not implying i am a heavenly creature :p) connected with a half chewn rope, on a cloud and watching others from this space. I don't feel completely connected and I don't think I really ever will unless I can find the answers I am looking for.

Australian Donor Conception Registry

2006-03-13T02:55:00.000Z

I have just started a new Yahoo group for Australian donor conceived people, donors and their families who are searching for eachother. I invite people to join! So far I am the only member :)

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AustralianDonorConceptionRegistry/

Making sense through words

2006-03-10T01:14:00.000Z

The mirror is a monster, it’s my worst enemy; I see questions instead of answers. I don’t see a whole person; I see a fragmented piece of art that is yet to be signed. I see a stranger who is strangely familiar.

I wrote this as a part of a piece for a non-fiction writing class I took last year. I really like it and I think it captures a part of what I feel about myself and my identity.

After I was told about my conception I became a different person. There was a line drawn in the sand; the me before I was told and the me after. On the outside and to others I am sure I seemed the same. I subconciously burried this information and chose not to deal with it until I was older, at least until I had finished school. I know this is something I did not verbalise or really think about doing, but looking back I know this is what I did, perhaps as a coping mechanism of sorts.

I would ask so many questions, usually when I was laying in my bed at night. Some of these questions still haunt me today.

What does he look like?
Why did he donate his sperm?
Is he still married?
Does he have other children?
Why did he give me away? And why couldn't I be the sperm that stayed with him?
What are his interests? Does he like music as much as I do? Does he sing like me?
Where does he live?
What has he done with his life?
What are his family like?
Would they accept me into their family? My family?
Does anyone else besides he and his wife know that he donated sperm?
Are my grandparents (his parents) still alive?
What nationality is he? Was he born here or overseas?
What did he study at university? Is he as passionate a person as I?
Is he still alive???
Does he still live in Victoria or Australia?
Does he think about me? Does he think about what might have happened as a result of his donations?
What does he do for a living?
Does he have a sarcastic sense of humour like me?
Is he scared that I want money from him?
Does he even care that I exist?
Has he seen me in the newspapers, in the magazine article, on the news or on tv at all???
Has anyone of his family recognised me and ignored the fact that I may be his?
Why doesn't he want to know me?!
Is he scared? I am scared too
Will I ever know him.....or myself?
I hope he knows that I love him, no matter what.

All of that going through my mind for years and to this day. Now the questions sit with me on a deeper level and I don't get as sad to think about this, however the relevance of these questions have not faded one bit. There are more questions, but if I were to list them all I fear I might just bore you all. And you get the jist anyway.

When I wasn't able to confront my feelings properly, throughout those few years I would connect with lyrics and songs and stories. They helped me to cope. One song in particular, called "Sinner" by Neil Finn has stuck with me since. If you havne't heard the song before, please do so, it is truly beautiful. (Inspired by "Whosedaughter"'s blog)

See it anyone got my eyes got my face
Sing it everyone got my nose got my blood
Conscience plays upon me now
Safe until my luck runs out
Cukoos call, pendulum swings
I thought you knew everything
Lift my hands make the cross

Sinner I have never learned
Beginner I cannot return
Forever I must walk this earth
Like some forgotten soldier

Those things I should keep to myself
But I feel somehow strangely compelled
Under moonlight I stood wild and naked
Felt no shame just my spirit awakened

Sinner got my eyes got my face

Fireball drop from the sky
All my dreams have come to pass
Where's my faith is it lost
Can't see it till you cast it off

Sinner there is no such thing
Beginner I have learned to sing
Forever I must walk this earth
Like some forgotten soldier

Today I am still disconnected
To the face that I saw in the clouds
And the closest I get to contentment
Is when all of the barriers come down

Happy Father's Day

2006-03-03T01:37:00.000Z

My parents chose to tell my sister and I at the same time about my conception. My sister was conceived naturally and my parents turned to a donor to have me after some complications with my dad. They tried a few years earlier with no luck and then in 1982 were pregnant with me.

I will never forget the day that mum and dad told us. I remember we had just had a roast Sunday lunch. I was 15. I was wearing my Alanis Morrisette t-shirt, the one from her first tour. My sister had taken me and it was so much fun and inspirational to me as a singer. My sister is 7 and a half years older than me and we are as close as sisters can be.

Mum and dad said they had something to tell us. They had never ever said anything like this before or with that look on their face. They told us to sit down as we were clearing the table and I knew it had something to do with me and my place in the family.

They started by saying that they loved us both very much, I swear the room started spinning as they said that they had trouble trying to have me and so went to a doctor for IVF treatment. They used a donor, they said. My initial reaction was to laugh. I laughed and my sister cried. I didn't understand why she was crying, I thought it was "cool". Now I could say I was a "test tube baby". I remember saying "Oh, it's like that movie with Whoopi Goldberg... how cool!".

My parents must have been happy that I didn't start crying or seem too upset. Dad kept saying that he still loved me and that he was still my dad. I said of course and that it didn't matter. I said nothing had changed and that everything was ok. I hugged my sister and told her to stop being silly, afterall we were still sisters and I loved her more than anything.

After a little bit we continued about our Sunday rituals. Dad went back to the garage, mum went back to washing the clothes and my sister and I cleaned up the lunch time mess.

I can't remember much of the rest of that day, until later that night. I was in the bathroom looking into the mirror and I realised that I was not related to half of my family... my dad's side whom I had spent a lot of time growing up with. I still loved them but I thought "if they aren't my paternal family, then who is??? Where are they?" Immediately I realised it was not just about this man but in fact about half of my family history. I saw a black space fill in half of my mind.. that's the best way I can describe it and that is how I still see it today.

I cried for my loss the first time that night, but I didn't tell anyone I was upset, afterall, as mum and dad had said they went to a lot of trouble to have me.

I told my best friend at school the next day. She was almost as shocked as I was and kept repeating "So he's not your real dad...!?"

I asked mum if we could send a letter to the doctor that helped with the treatment (my conception) to see if I could know anything about my "donor". (I didn't dare call him my biological father when I was living at home). Dad thought I was trying to replace him and was pretty jealous for a while. It took a long time for him to kind of understand why I wanted to know. I still don't think he truly understands.

Mum and dad told me the news a few weeks before Father's Day. I didn't really think of it at the time, but as the weeks neared Father's Day I began to feel worse and worse. Our family celebrates all of those days and so this year it was also celebrated. I remember feeling sad on the day, thinking about my "donor", whether he was celebrating it with his own kids and family. I wrote in dad's card something like "I still love you and you're still my read dad" and I think I wrote that for the next few years to ease dad's mind, especially on that day of all days.

Just after Father's Day I received a letter back from the doctor saying:

"Thank you for your letter. I have identified who the donor was involved with your conception back in 1981. There were three people with a similar name in the telephone book and I have written them each a private and confidential letter asking them to contact me. I will keep you updated if there are any developments.

In the meantime I thought you would like to have the non-identifying information that we had on file.

As the donor who donated for you was recruited a long time ago, we don't have a great deal of information but here goes.

He was a student at the time of donating and was 5 foot 7 inches tall. He had dark brown hair, brown eyes and weighed 10 stone 3 pounds. He was married, had not family history of any disease and his blood group was 0 positive. Unfortunately we don't have any further biological data on him, but at least this will give you a little bit of a picture."

I wrote down the information on a little piece of notebook paper right away. I still to this day carry it in my wallet as a momento of who this man is, even though he might be a lot different now. He might not even be alive, in reality, I know this and some people think it's something they should point out to me (as though I haven't thought of all the possiblities, including that he was abducted by aliens!), but I never give up hope. It's all I have to keep me on this journey.

"Funny thing, sperm..."

2006-02-20T21:13:00.001Z

When I was about 11 my older sister took me and my cousin to the movies in the city. We all wanted to see "Made In America", a new movie starring Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson. We laughed throughout the movie, afterall it was a comedy. It was about a young girl who finds out her "sperm donor"/father, is actually a white man and not an African American, as her mother had requested. The movie has been run on tv networks here in Australia ever since and it was always a movie I would make time to watch if I was home. How could you not like the movie? It was funny, it had two hillarious actors in it, not to mention Will Smith and it had a really happy ending, in which the girl's mother and her "sperm donor" fall in love. Everyone say "Awwwwwww!".

Never would I have dreamt that such a movie would become the only resource I had for the position I was to see myself in some 4 years later. Unlike the movie, there was no easy way of ever knowing more than a few little pieces of non-identifying information I had about my "sperm donor" and my mum didn't seem as funny as Whoopi did when she and dad told me the truth.

Baby factory

2006-02-15T11:53:00.000Z

This is a photo i found recently of the hospital where my mum was artificially inseminated with T5's sperm. T5 is the code my 'donor', or biological father, as i prefer to call him was given way back then. The picture is the wrong way around, but gees, that's a big place! i always had images in my mind of it being this tiny clinic for some reason. It's strangely comforting to now know what the place looked like. It has since been demolished. i guess this is where my story began. This photo helps me to connect the few dots i have to paint a picture of who my father is... and inturn to try to establish my true identity.

A friend wrote "Rel was made here!!!" on it.. which i think is funny, in a sad kind of way.